I asked a question, "How much do you love me?"

After a momentary pause, "I used to love you very much -- till we have kids. x% went to this, y% went to that, so...."

It hurts.

I never knew that is how Love is. I thought Love has no limits. I had a baby gal, now I have a new boy. But it never felt like my love for her has diminished in anyway because of a new addition. Love just grows and grows, to accommodate more.

That was plainly a statement to "justify" or "legitamized" his lost love.

Then he said, "Don't try to misinterpret what I said. If you can't accept it, then don't ask me such a question."

Did I interpret it any other way? Wasn't it simply "I love you less"?

"You have a right to your opinions, but sometimes what you said can hurt people. The day when what you had just said no longer affects me, is the day when you really have to start worrying."

I know that Love may diminish over time, even soured or be completely obliterated. On the other end, Love can flourish, be enhanced and be in abundance. Love can change it's form, from red-hot passion, to a more subdued familial form - To Love him as a husband, a father to my kids, a life partner (unfortunately not as soul mate, for we are too alike in areas which I had hoped not, that it gets stressful to voice what I truly feels ever so often. It would have been better if we had been complementary. That, would be another story.). And that, is a more powerful Love - one that is meant to last and bind.

And thus, it hurts, especially when the message is masked under unfamiliar notions of x, y ,z%......

The Little Helper

The Prince literally left me in a big puddle of SHIT today, after his 3rd "bombing" exercise in the morning. Romper, bed sheet, mattress protector and his chou chou (his bean pillow), all weren't spared from the attack.

"Best" part of it was when he started getting grouchy from waking up earlier than usual. So I popped him into his sarong before going around clearing the "site". U think that's the end?? With the little devil, of course not! He wasn't going down quietly, someone had to swing him. And it's Big Sister Princess to the rescue. She swung him amidst the wailing so Mummy could do her stuff, while she was watching her DVD -- no complaints. Not to mention I was halfway through tying her hair into nice little plaits when the "commotion" happened.

The Princess was exceptionally good today. She volunteered to bathe herself after breakfast and did a pretty good job. It's a pity my network has been giving me problems uploading pics and videos......

My little darling, you really brightens my day. It's the last day of school, go enjoy your class party and bid sweet good-byes to your friends and teachers. Next year will be another fresh beginning.

Why is there such a person????

I really don't understand, is it so difficult to respect other's privacy, leave them some breathing space?

Why? Why? Why? When I show u some degree of friendliness, u have to test that limit, comes over everyday, always around dinner and to top it off - WITHOUT INFORMING ME!

Can't u learn to respect other's time? I may not be free, I may have to feed my baby, I may want to go out?

Can't u respect other's space? I may not wish to entertain guests, I may want to do my own things, I may simply want some quiet time.

It's really dejavu, cos I had seen these images clearly in my mind before, and it's happening real time now. And I'm absolutely pissed cos it has been proven again that he will always be someone else's son.....

我的心情很“忧”

刚生产的产妇，心情较为郁闷是可以理解的。在这段期间，更需要家人的体谅与关心。

不幸的是，不仅因为初期伤口所带来的不适，而无法好好休息，孩子又得进出医院，而一切得由我一人包办，自己到医院、诊所去，一天上下好几回，身心本已疲劳不堪，更糟的是，还得被他人的情绪所累，搞得心力交瘁，甚至很想就此放弃，带着两个孩子远离这是非地。

9年的光景，我终于忍无可忍，发了一通我早该发的简讯。我做好了最坏的打算，一通挂上白旗，宣告投降，为的仅是换回我与孩子过宁静日子的权利。希望他能懂得珍惜那不被重视，但是却十分孝顺的儿子，祝他快乐。

其实，我并不期待他会有任何反应，更不想再纠缠下去，正好他打电话来时，孩子在哭闹，也就顺理成章的不接来电。他还是来了，我们谈了一段时间，把累积在心里的话说了出来，虽然是有些许的帮助，解除了燃眉之急，但是从这次的交流，其实我能感觉到，大家仍是有自己的一套理解与做法，要真正达到共识，绝非一件易事。更重要的是，我们之间的那道桥梁，扮演着极其重要的角色。如果他始终无法尽这沟通之桥的重任，情况恶化的局面，在所难免。

我不能因为别人的老思想，而为我的人生作出妥协。更讽刺的是，他明知道这是老派思想，话里行间讲的都是“面子”问题。当你要别人顾及你的面子的同时，你可曾照顾过他人的感受与立场？

看来目前的情况只是缓兵之计，无论他有多好，始终还是别人的儿子。

老公，我真的要对你说声谢谢！

很多时候，我都会在这里发发对你的牢骚，其实我要让你知道，在我心里，你还是很不错的。

就拿这几天来说，自从小颖康呱呱坠地，你就一直陪在我身边，无论是扶我上厕所，帮我拿水、拿食物、药物，半夜起床把Baby抱给我，替Baby冲凉、换尿布、抱抱他......没有你的照顾，关心，这些日子我真的不知要怎样过。

明天，你就要回到那地狱般的工作，虽然有妈妈在，可是我真的不敢想象你不在的日子。特别是，我的伤口还是很痛、很痛，痛得连在床上翻个身，都有问题，更不用说坐立或上厕所。

What will I do without u, my Pillar of Strength??

Memories

As I was sourcing for Buffet Catering for Baby's First Month Celebration (kiasu haha), I decided to visit Rasel's website, where we catered for our ROM Poolside Reception 5 years ago. We had a good experience with them as they had a very flexible, international menu then, whereby we can select a very individualised menu based on per item per head count basis. The best part was that the pricing was really attractive and they were able to provide a Thematic setup for us.

However, they no longer provide such a flexible menu anymore, though the selection is still generally attractive. As I was screening through the various tabs, I came across their Wedding Galleries. When I clicked on the "By The Pool" tab, it all looked so familiar... Hey! Isn't that my wedding setup from 5 years ago??! And I didn't even know they took pics n posted on their website. Anyway, thanks to them, I have some nicely taken pics to remember the special event by (my one n only wedding function).

~ pictures extracted from http://www.rasel.com.sg

煮妇的假期

我也想去一趟煮妇的假期，没有时限，没有目的地，没有人知道。只有孩子与我，两个人，去我们的疗伤之旅。

四岁的孩子，情绪其实已不只限于号啕大哭的宣泄。我怎么知道？有一回，她晓得我在生某某的气。某某拿了她的水瓶去喝，她便开始在车上唠唠叨叨，不让某某拿。以我对某某的理解，其实早已知道会发生事情。平时，我会出声制止她，可当时，我在气头上，也懒得理。

果然，接下来就是突如其来的咆哮声：“This is my car! U get out of my car!” 整辆车一时鸦雀无声。这是很不寻常的。果真，我伸手去抚摸她的小手，她转过头来，鼻头红红的，勉强挤了个笑容给我，两滴泪不由自主地滑落，她静静用手抹掉......我的心真得好痛，她只不过是四岁的孩子，怎得会和我一样暗自伤心？

庆幸的是，孩子情绪的反转，想对大人而言，是瞒快的。可是，如果事件一再发生，那种伤害始终无法磨灭。当我们作出某种情绪反应时，可曾想过，对身边的人会造成怎样的影响？留下多深的阴影与烙印？

我想真的该去悠长假期了。

永远的“大小眼”

一星期前，本来是要到蔡厝港华人坟场扫墓，通知某某之后，他就一直说会塞车啦、没地方停车啦等等等。其实，在这之前，老爸早已通知我只需去阿公家拜拜即可，因为他也担心到时坟场会塞车，早早就吩咐我不用去。我却故意不说，决定“见机行事”。

到了拜拜那天，我还是决定不去了，因为老妈也提议我作罢，说是哪儿烟雾弥漫，对孕妇不好，毕竟我怀孕快8个月了。

几天后，某某突然说（他们家做事总爱last min通知）他老母跟他说今天要扫墓，而且可能要去好几个地点，他大舅可能会租巴士，全家一齐去环岛拜拜。他满心期待，说是好久没去了。我说如果需“跋山涉水”，那是不可能的，因为我即使是坐着或躺着，都经常会发生呼吸困难，更别说在大太阳底下“攀山越岭”的，搞不好岂不一尸二命。然而，他说我们可在巴士上等（呵呵）。最后，因为他外婆决定只到一处，便决定各自出发，到万里坟场。这情况岂不和我们当初去蔡厝港坟场的情况一样，得面对塞车、没停车位等问题？谁知当初的诸多不便，如今他却只字不提。这次可没父母为我设身处地的着想，ok lor，还是那句“见机行事”。

出发前，我老妈“好言相劝”，可是“忠言逆耳”，我们还是“依计行事”。结果，还未转进万里路，车龙已是见尾不见首，车子根本无法向前行驶。可又不见某人意兴阑珊，反观还主意多多，决定另觅去路。兜了一圈，从汤盛路驶入，情况虽较好，可是到了驶入坟场的交叉口，情况依然恶劣。

到了此时此刻，仍然无人作声，一旦转入交叉口，便是进退两难了，不知会堵上几小时。既然无人照顾我的处境，我只好“自保”，便提议让他父母在车站下车，与其他人会合，我们等他们拜完再来充当司机。可是某某却一意孤行，一定要驶进去。他说要我们在车里等！天啊！这一等要等上几小时，开冷气会导致一氧化碳中毒，不开冷气岂不变成炭烤烧猪？？？后来，我家婆不好意思，提议下车，他还是坚持己见，直到我家翁也决定下车，他才只好作罢。

我心里真的真的很气，不仅生气，也很不服气。我一而再，再而三的给他机会，这么多年了，他还是“大小眼”！最不应该的是，他始终不懂得关心及爱惜我，更谈不上保护。这起事件，只不过是冰山一角，我真的不再指望他会发自内心的爱护我了。

政治

不知不觉，恩也快四岁了，在家带孩子也有若干年。选择这条路，主要原因虽是为了能在孩子的成长过程扮演主导性角色，希望能给予她正确的价值观、教育、管教与母爱，其中也有部分原因，是不太愿意再卷入难缠的办公室政治。

可笑的是，有人的地方，就有“政治”。在外面遇到风风雨雨，还能躲进“家”这避风港。当这最后的堡垒也失陷时，还能往哪儿钻呢？

了解到，孩子在成长的过程中，培养独立的思考是必然的过程。她也慢慢意识到，自己是独立个体，时不时展示那“我要自由”的触角。这一阶段，对没什么耐性的妈妈，的确很具考验。或许她个性有点像妈妈，蛮掘的，要她buy into my logic，需下功夫。但，有一段时期，情况还算ok。最近却有变本加厉的迹象，跟她讲道理，她未必听，还经常来一段“你不喜欢，我偏偏要做”。

昨天，我似乎有了答案--原来那称为“爷爷”的人，竟然对她说了这样的话：“不要听妈妈的话。”孩子亲口说，是“爷爷”在跟她玩时，这样对她说的。我一再求证，告诉她如果事情不是如此，绝不能撒这种谎，因为这会破坏大人之间的感情，她仍咬定她的说法。听了这番话，你可以想象我的心有多气氛吗？

从一开始，他们就不愿与我合作，不愿配合，老爱在孩子的管教、饮食等方面唱反调，这也加强了我一切都要亲力亲为的理念。即使做到死，也绝不开口要求他们的帮助。近几个月，可能他们多少也了解到that is not the clever path to take，至少在我面前也会唱一唱一些较悦耳、合拍的调子。正当我以为终于见到了转机时，冷不防原来已中了高手的冷箭！

是恩在撒谎吗？还是有一股强大的“整治”势力在背后与我抗衡？无论答案如何，都是悲哀的。

我应该怎么处理这情况：-

1。装作若无其事，just let it be???

2。也来一段“笑里藏刀”，“勾心斗角”陪他们玩下去？

3。撕破脸，当场对质？

4。取消"visiting right"以示抗议？

5。学人摆黑脸，让他自己尝尝“无辜”被摆臭脸的感觉？

6。借机指桑骂槐，给他来个下马威？

7。或放更多精力在孩子身上，希望她能学会分辨是非黑白，即使这是一条老路，路上布满荆棘，阻力重重。外来的势力，就随它去吧？

老二也快出世了，心中的压力更是往上升。“家”--为何也要沦陷？

原点

回来之前，早已预知这种状况的到来......

本还抱着一丝期望，一年的经历或许能起着些许作用，现实总还是得接受“距离”的挑战。“距离”越近，“影响”越是如磁铁般展示着它的力量。要来的始终还是来了，我的人生回到了四年前的原点。

有些事永远无法改变，有些人只能盼“距离”这条鸿沟能把他远远地隔开。我甚至为了避开他，宁愿选择离乡背井，离开我的至亲，离开我的避风港，离开我熟悉的环境，为的只是想得到一丝平静，恢复我的家庭宁静，还原我本应有的自由与舒畅。

带我离开吧......

Stress

A year away, I had quite forgotten what it's like to maintain an EXTENDED family life... Everything was quite simple, we plan our activities as n when we liked, had fabulous time with his colleagues, loads of breathing space n freedom. We just need to maintain the weekly call to our families, that's it.

The moment I stepped foot home, the reality that marriage entails 2 other families (besides our little one) smacked me right on my head. No matter how tired I was, there were obligations to fulfill. Besides, having to adjust to living together for 2 person of differing backgrounds is an ongoing task in itself. Now, it just seems more complicated than ever. Just 2 weeks into our new lifestyle (or should I say old... after all it had been like this before we left for our Freedom), cases of unhappiness had already sprouted (of cos not all with my ILs lah. Frankly, putting aside the initial few days, so far things had been going fine with them. Hope it continues...)...

Even though I'm blessed with a place to stay after selling our condo (thanks to the graciousness of my parents), somehow, the urge to have a matrimonial home is still strong despite the fact that market situation is expected to worsen, and we can bang on much better deals a little later. I guess I NEED that breathing space. Put fiery, sensitive, naggy, opinionated characters together, what do u get??? BOOOOMMMM!!!!! Explosions (sometimes it's the inate ones that's really scary n pressurising)!! Won't be surprised if I ended up with pre-natal (instead of post-natal depression ;p)....

It's stressful when u have to balance so many people's wants, needs, opinions, ideas etc... What about my own little family????

Is it Too MUCH?

How much effort can a person put in for his work?

How much effort can a person put in for his friends?

How much effort can a person put in for his father/ mother/ brothers etc?

How much effort can a person put in for his wife?

How much effort can a person put in for his child?

110%, 110%, 110%..... for the last two, any value is TOO MUCH. (perhaps the numbers may not be that accurate but the message is clear - that it's easy to be taking your closest ones for-granted)

At the end of the day?

How many actually self-reflect on the consequences? Touch your heart. When things happen n your child is not close to u, is it easier to simply push the blame on others or to take heart and really think what should be done? Years go by, till this day, probably I'd told myself hundreds of time that I'd given up, but deep down, I hope for a change.

How long can this turmoil last, before the heart really dies and every hope fizzles off???

Last Minute Changes

We'll be flying to Utah with Daddy tomorrow morning!

It was a last minute decision as a check with NW this morning revealed that they had economy tickets available now. Thus, we did the top-up of $1.2k plus. Next came the frantic packing, informing of family, friends, change of currency, banking etc etc. My house is still in a mess!

Amidst the chaos, this sudden sense of lost crept in. I started missing everyone and everything even before I flew, especially my Dear Fur Fur (perhaps part of it due to guilt, as I always feel that I'd neglected her since the arrival of Baby En). Gosh! I miss you Mummy, Papa, Bee Bee and all my dear gfrens (u know who u are)!

Take care!

Belles of AJPS - Thank You!

It's been very difficult to organise an outing with full attendance - family commitments, work schedule etc. But this time, WE ALL MADE IT!

Despite the horrendous jam (due to ASEAN summit), torrents rain, sickness, family woes, work schedule etc, we met, some even with young babies in tow.

"Heavy jam, Callous rain

Battling work foes

And family woes

Weak in body

Tired in souls

Despite all troubles

You gals came

At Aerin's we gathered

Amidst the wining and dining

We shared our stories

It's great to know

Regardless of time and space

We'll always have each other to share."

- dedicated to the lovely gals of AJPS (92/93)

This is the first time I'm trying my hands on a poem. It doesn't rhyme and might not seems that fantastic. But this is something I'll like to do for my dear friends of so many years. Even though the gathering wasn't well-planned, nonetheless we had a great time together - something we didn't have the luxury for in a long, long time.

Hope that we'll have the opportunity for such a marvelous gathering when I return.

P/s: Aoqun, pls forward me the pics u took so that I can post them here. Ths!

**Kiss Kiss**

Baby En woke up very early today.

Daddy just gave Mummy a good-bye kiss, when all of a sudden Baby En sat up. How could Daddy miss this opportunity to get a kiss from his Princess? Then came," I cannot kiss Daddy's lips." "Why?""Because I can only kiss Mummy's lips."

Hahahahahaha. So she did remember what I told her!

因为某原因与一位多年没联络，很特别的朋友联系上。心里一直有个问题，无法找到答案，性格使然，还是问了。不知为何，泪水在眼眶里打转，得到答案的那刹那，心中那块无形的大石，骤然碎成粉末。事过境迁，我想也不仅是放得下、放不下，毕竟在生命的某一阶段，他陪我走过。好与坏、对与错，到了今时今日，一切看似没那么重要了。相当庆幸，一路走来，还是多了个朋友，而非多一个敌人。

热脸贴冷屁股

我经常都有这种感觉。当你好声好气跟人家说话，或找一些话题闲聊，结果那人一点反应都没有，连点个头示意都懒得这么做。而这不是一次、两次，甚至当你把不满告诉他，他还是时不时把你当成flushed into the environment。

还以为，只要自己做好榜样，show people respect, 久而久之，人家会体会到，自然会有所改变。可惜，不是人人都能将心比心，更多的却是take things for-granted。

看来，应该用最原始的那招了 - 以牙还牙！（如果成功了再通知你:)）

幸福的感觉

当孩子跟我说："Mummy, I want to sleep on your body."--那就是幸福。这是她每天睡前的小小要求，要妈妈抱着她，躺在妈妈的身上，即使是几分钟也开心。无论妈妈是冲了凉，香香的，或是煮完饭，全身油烟味，她还是喜欢把脸埋在妈妈怀里，深深地闻妈妈的味道。虽然有时心里会埋怨（毕竟是十几公斤的担子躺在身上，有时她的头又转来转去，弄得我满痛的，长头发又老爱在我脸上飞来飞去），可是当静下来时，那种感觉真的很窝心，很幸福。因为她是真真正正地期盼妈妈的拥抱，即使是枕边人，很多时候也只不过是例常公式。当妈妈把她移到毯子上时，她会要妈妈hug她，直到她入眠。这是我们的private time，谁都不能取代妈妈的位置。

"Vacation"

"There is a place I want to be,
away from it all
Just me - alone.
Where would it be?
Where could it be?
Never in this world
can it be found.
For I searched,
for I longed,
and then it came,
The Peace and Tranquility
from Within......"

~29 July, 3pm - Sentosa Siloso Beach Resort

Checked in at the Reception. It was small, unlike the regular Hotel Lobby that you'll expect. Nonetheless, the whole concept was rather unique. It was housed in an individual building, sort of like a modern log house.

Got our keys and proceeded to our room - Roof-top Jacuzzi Suite. Along the way, we walked past some trees which had been left intact during the hotel's construction, fused into the resort's decor. Made the area felt like a huge tree house.

Best part of it was of cos the suite. It wasn't really big, but it was nonetheless inviting. Especially, the Jacuzzi area. Going up a flight of steps, you'd reach your own private garden with loungers and jacuzzi filled with warm water. Top it off, there's the sea view.

Great place for honey-mooners and couples, though it served us well, with our little gal, as she enjoyed herself in the jacuzzi.

Thought it could do more to our relationship. However, didn't do much. Guess if you go in a loving mood, things will just flow. Not the other way round......

Fate has it's way......

This day 7 yrs ago. It wasn't entirely by fate that we met (as it was an arranged occasion by our mutual friend - his army days buddy, my soon-to-be ex-colleague then). However, I would say that the circumstances that led to this meeting was somewhat an act of fate.

B joined my department just a couple of weeks before K & I were being introduced. Somehow, I clicked very well with him, as I totally couldn't tolerate my fellow trainer. Was kind of relieved that someone better had joined us, someone who would not have needed the Big Boss staring at his desk ordering him to clear up by X hrs, someone who would not jump to me XXX no. of times saying he lost his material, someone who would not take the material I spent loads of time preparing and simply zapped it while I wasn't around, making it his own....... Anyway, this was short lived, as B tendered his resignation soon after.

Every cloud has a silver lining, as I heard some saying. Perhaps the impending departure set his panic button ringing, how could he have let this really nice girl, such a good catch, slip by and not introduce her to his buddies??!!! Of course, he must do something! So an outing was proposed: my female colleague and I would meet 2 of his friends at a pub on Fri night. Then, WE met. It wasn't like there were sparks flying, when 4 eyes met etc (Yucks!! So 肉麻). Didn't even take his vehicle home as he was riding a bike and he didn't have the confidence to send a girl home (come on! I'd been on a bike even before I can ride a bicycle). So, I took his friend's car.

Following that, there was a movie outing on following week and we got together that very Sat, on our 3rd outing (within a span of 8 days). 很闪电hoh! As experience had taught me, it's not the number of years u had known someone that counts.

And so, I will have to admit, FATE has it's way of bringing people together (else Y would I have gotten to know B at that particular period, when he was about to leave the company, yet came over to my dept for that short time-frame). Shouldn't I learn to treasure this relationship more and apply more tolerance? Mr K, u should count yourself SOOOO LUCKY (不知道积了几世的德)to be able to find me loh!!!! (臭美？No no, 是很美。哈哈哈哈)