Carpe Diem - easier said than done for a self-professed procrastinator. But for the love of my life, I finally keyed my first sentence, then the second, and the third... as a recording of memories I'd want to remember, good or bad, a gift from Mommy to U - Dear Baby En

"From Baby En to Baby Kang, both my darlings, equally precious. May this journal keep u company, when Mummy can no longer be there......"

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

Saturday 28 July 2007

The thread between Sanity & Madness

I do not know if the phase will ever pass, or am I the only one suffering??? The persistent tantrums, defiance, day and night, weeks and months, never-ending. Can't calm, can't solve, no help, no escape. The need to fight to keep cool, it's tearing me DOWN! No one understands, none cares. Everyone can just bail and run, everyone except ME!!

WHY??!! Cos she only comes to mummy, cos she says she doesn't want others??? Ever wonder WHY?? Cos only mummy will sleep with her, only mummy this, mummy that.. THAT IS WHY!!! And it becomes an EXCUSE, because she only wants MUMMY!!!!!!

Does it matter or does it occur to anyone, that this thread, this very thin and invisible thread might snap one day?? Then what happens?? Blame it on lousy Mummy, the one who couldn't take the stress, the one who couldn't handle it all. She has herself to blame right, she chose the path, didn't she??! When dear baby gets hurt?? What then?? Regret?? More blame??? Finger-pointing??

Great chance right, for those who'd been invisible when baby was in Mummy's tummy, for those who said, "She pooed" when she was wearing diaper and expected that someone else cleansed her up, for those who wanted baby so badly, but always called when she started crying for Mummy, for those who just wanted to own her. Yes, take her away! That's if MAD Mummy hadn't decide to take her along, because she needs Mummy right. Because, it's always Mummy this, Mummy that right. So, who else can take care of her besides Mummy?? So Mummy must bring her along, even though Mummy really doesn't want to. But Mummy must if Mummy goes......

My thoughts are getting incoherent, my anger and anguish inextinguishable. Please! If there's a God out there, keep me sane, for my Baby's sake. Keep me SANE......

Wednesday 25 July 2007

The Potter Race (a.k.a. Chase)

How to ensure you get to read the last sequel to Harry Potter (and the Deathly Hallows)hot of the shelf, without having to fork out a fortune for it (keep these tips in mind when the next HOT book launches)?

1. Hack NLB's system (Joking lah!!). Check with the library when they're going to launch it. 2 ways: send email to their helpdesk or use NLB's mobile Reference help via SMS (need the number???? Of cos, I have it. Haha). In this case, they put the books on the shelves exactly on 1st day of sale.

2. Find 'accomplices'. Work with someone who's just as interested to get hold of the book. Raid different libraries and borrow additional copies. As solo libraries (not attached to shopping malls) open earlier, my accomplice managed to get hold of an extra for me (double Haha).

3. Place an online reservation. Was informed by NLB that online reservation started earlier than library opening hrs (supposed to be around 9am, 21 July. I was online then waiting for the TIME. Managed to be 1st in line, though reservation started somewhat later).

Despite confirmation I got the book, I still rushed to my neighbouring library hoping to get the book immediately (so I didn't have to wait till I'm able to retrieve the book from 'accomplice'). Wah, so many people were already waiting outside for the library to open. When we rushed in, NO books at all. A check with the librarian showed that all copies were under reservation. I still have to wait till I receive my reservation slip before I can borrow my copy. Was kind of pissed, as the info relaid to me was that priority will be given to people who went onsite to borrow (see! U can't always trust everything that were told, even if they were from official sources).

Did someone said "KIASU"?? So what?? Kiasuism saves the day, Man!!!

Anyway, got my copy on the next evening. Finished in 2 1/2 days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Saturday 21 July 2007

Fate has it's way......

This day 7 yrs ago. It wasn't entirely by fate that we met (as it was an arranged occasion by our mutual friend - his army days buddy, my soon-to-be ex-colleague then). However, I would say that the circumstances that led to this meeting was somewhat an act of fate.

B joined my department just a couple of weeks before K & I were being introduced. Somehow, I clicked very well with him, as I totally couldn't tolerate my fellow trainer. Was kind of relieved that someone better had joined us, someone who would not have needed the Big Boss staring at his desk ordering him to clear up by X hrs, someone who would not jump to me XXX no. of times saying he lost his material, someone who would not take the material I spent loads of time preparing and simply zapped it while I wasn't around, making it his own....... Anyway, this was short lived, as B tendered his resignation soon after.

Every cloud has a silver lining, as I heard some saying. Perhaps the impending departure set his panic button ringing, how could he have let this really nice girl, such a good catch, slip by and not introduce her to his buddies??!!! Of course, he must do something! So an outing was proposed: my female colleague and I would meet 2 of his friends at a pub on Fri night. Then, WE met. It wasn't like there were sparks flying, when 4 eyes met etc (Yucks!! So 肉麻). Didn't even take his vehicle home as he was riding a bike and he didn't have the confidence to send a girl home (come on! I'd been on a bike even before I can ride a bicycle). So, I took his friend's car.

Following that, there was a movie outing on following week and we got together that very Sat, on our 3rd outing (within a span of 8 days). 很闪电hoh! As experience had taught me, it's not the number of years u had known someone that counts.

And so, I will have to admit, FATE has it's way of bringing people together (else Y would I have gotten to know B at that particular period, when he was about to leave the company, yet came over to my dept for that short time-frame). Shouldn't I learn to treasure this relationship more and apply more tolerance? Mr K, u should count yourself SOOOO LUCKY (不知道积了几世的德)to be able to find me loh!!!! (臭美?No no, 是很美。哈哈哈哈)

Monday 16 July 2007

忍耐。极限。挑战

一个星期下来,感觉自己快疯掉了。

情感方面不太顺心,孩子又不合作,加上失眠、令人心痛的梦,琐琐碎碎的事情等,
==========================================
这是一篇我不知道要怎么写下去的日记,可是我还是决定让它留下,作为我人生的纪录。

Monday 9 July 2007

这是一种由内至外,被掏空、掏尽的累。整个人轻飘飘的,很松很松,连原先的愤怒、激动等情绪都感觉不到。
是认命?放弃?对现实的妥协?还是纯粹只是累了?
当能做的都做了,能讲得都讲了,能忍的都忍了,能改的都改了,还是无法达到被谅解的共识,愿分担的同舟共济,由心而发的体恤,一切好似归于零。
是眼睛看不见?耳朵听不到?心灵无法敞开?固有的偏见作祟?有些事实是无法改变的,为何要一意孤行,一再给予机会,盼某些人、事、物会奇迹般在一夜间骤变,摒弃固步自封、自我,甚至于自私的习性?为难了身边最亲近的人。
有时真想能够把双手完完全全放开,人家爱怎么样就怎没样。就让他们把孩子带走吧,眼不看为静。可是一想到让出来的是我的心肝宝贝,十月怀胎,辛辛苦苦拉巴大的孩子,就舍不得让她出去被糟蹋。这是我用尽生命去付出、捍卫的孩子,是我的一切。
好累................

Friday 6 July 2007

Fur Fur's 5th Birthday

Today is Fur Fur's 5th birthday!

I clearly remember 5 yrs ago, on the day 4 Oct 2002, Fur Fur became part of the family. From than on, everyone who's close enough knows that I have a daughter named Fur. Today, she has become my Elder daughter, for I taught my little one that she is Fur Fur che che, her Elder sister, someone she should love and treat as family......

3 Oct 2002, K and I finally decided to get a dog, though I'd always been against having a dog, 'cause I was very frighten of the species (and all other small animals like cats, hamsters etc). Nonetheless, since K mentioned he'd always wanted one and I didn't really hate them (just scared of them), so we went shopping for one at Farmart. To our disappointment, there were few available but the owner said that there would be fresh batch coming in that night and they'd be available the next day.

Came 4 Oct morning, like any kiasu Singaporean, we rushed down again and sure enough, there were many puppies. One had already been bought, this cute little Jack Russell. Turned out to be Fur's brother, slimmer and quieter. If we had been earlier, I would probably have a son and a daughter now (it's much easier to have a boy, as female dogs menstruate too u know). As fate would have it, we were a tad too late (nothing to be sorry about)......

Browsing the cute arrivals behind the glass window, there were Chihuahuas, Prince Charles Cavalier, Shitze...... ONE caught our eyes, a Plump, Cute little ball of Fur, with the most striking coat of brown and Superb whiteness that truly shines. However, there was just one imperfection, a tiny spot of darker brown on it's head. After some consideration, we asked the owner for a look at it (since K said it'd be easier to recognise her anyway). So the cute little playful one was brought to a playpen behind. Wow! She was so lovable, jumping and barking (those very puppish kind) at us (well, I was kind of afraid that she might bit my hand) and there was no turning back from then on. Bonus was, the mark on her head turned out to be just a water mark (we found out after we reached home).

Boy, that was the beginning of sleepless nights (well, u think that only comes with babies right), when dad and I had to sleep with her in the living room so that she could see us from her playpen. It didn't solve the problem entirely, at the very least she whined and whimpered instead of barked the night through.

However, she was "promoted" pretty fast. Initially, we had her in the yard but gave up when she kept barking and trying to climb out of the fencing. Then, she got moved to the living room in her playpen. Still not satisfied, the whining, whimpering, climbing etc continued. Next, she got moved to our room in her playpen, still she whimpered. Finally, her Daddy (K) gave in and she was allowed onto our bed! Yes, she loved it. No more noise. And she'd always go under the quilt and snuggled between our legs to sleep. Really know how to enjoy life right! She slept with us this way, regardless of her never-ending fur shedding, occasional peeing on the bed etc. Till Baby En came along......

From then on, she had to sleep with Gong Gong and Ma Ma. Now, guess she's grown-up enough. She's sleeping in her own bed in the living room (initially, she'd sniffed and clawed at the door every night for people to let her in and it really pained my heart).

Fur didn't come to live with us after we moved to our own house. Though the initial plan was to bring her along. We even had the designer to create an area for her to sleep in our room while we were discussing our reno plans (I was still pregnant then). By the time we were ready to move (when Baby En was already 8 mths old), my mum vehemently refused to let us bring Fur along, as she has a persistent fur shedding problem. Mum was also afraid I couldn't handle a difficult baby and a very mischievous dog. Guessed she's probably right as my little one needed plenty of attention from me and she had sleep-related problem (till she turned 21 mths. This meant I never had a full night sleep till then) and required to be breast-fed very often. She could not have me out of her sight, not even when I needed to cook. I really feel bad, having to leave her out from my new home. I wish I'll be able to have her with me soon for I know I do not have many more years with her. Just the thought of her leaving me one day, is enough to really upset me......


There was this particular incident that I still recall clearly this day. Fur just joined our family then. K and I had already planned for a short trip overseas. As the decision to have Fur was very much one done without the family's blessing (esp. when the initial plan was to have her stay with K as he mentioned his family is receptive to having a dog, since his dad got him one before. Turned out otherwise. So, I brought Fur to my house though my dad had already mentioned he didn't want one at home), we decided to send her to a pet hotel, the one at Farmart, which was her 1st home when she arrived in Singapore. Very bad choice. When we were brought to the area where she was supposed to be kept, we knew it wasn't a good decision. The cage where Fur was to be enclosed in was among those of very huge dogs. And the area was being guarded by big, ferocious Bull dogs. This tiny little puppy was shivering as she was being put inside. I felt horrible but I couldn't expect anyone to help take care of her while I was away. So we left. It was early evening then. By the time I reached home, emotions overwhelmed me. I was sobbing buckets recalling how she looked. Dad rushed me down to the pet hotel to pick her up just before it closed for the day. She was so relieved she peed on my hands. That's my dad, 嘴硬心软。

Suddenly, I realise I have so little memories of her in recent years, days after I had Baby En, after I moved out. All I can recall were those days when I had only Fur. It stumbled upon me how little time I have for her now, which is why I have a strong sense of guilt towards her. I believe this is how a mother would have felt when they have a new child in the family, when they have to neglect the older one. Used to be clothing for Fur, toys for Fur, snacks for Fur wherever I went. Now, I hardly buy her stuff, always this for En En, that for En En, with the occasional spending on Fur.

Anyway, we celebrated Fur's birthday last evening when everyone gathered at Dad's place (except good old Dad himself, who had to work). I ordered a birthday cake specially for Fur and some great biscuits. We all sang her a birthday song, took some pictures and blew out the candles (not an easy process, as Fur kept running away and wanting to bite me when I try to catch her. Guess she was afraid that I might be bringing her to the candles). We had the cake with her and of course the two young ones loved it the most (Greedy Pigs! BTW, the food are specially catered for pet diet, as they do not contain "dangerous" ingredients like sugar, chocolate etc. But they are all HUMAN GRADE. En En loved the apple crumble biscuits though they were really hard.).

Happy Birthday Fur!!!!

Thursday 5 July 2007

生活

我的生活全围绕在孩子身上。

我想,这是我下意思这样做的吧。且先撇开这是否健康,毕竟间中的原因有很多。孩子还小,在照顾她的这段岁月里,我清楚地感受到母女之间的情感联系是很直接的--自己付出多少,就相对得回多少。像每夜陪她睡,帮她洗澡,和她说话,跟她玩耍这些琐碎的事,日积月累,孩子自然会跟你较亲,你在她心目中的地位是无人可取代的。当你得扮演“坏人”管教她时,这样的关系是非常重要的。

当然,有人会说:“那孩子不是变得很粘你?”是的,每一件事都有正反两面,孩子粘我,我的自由也被限制。站在我的立场,这何尝不是一种优势。在孩子很小的时候,我就面临要孩子断奶的压力,原因是一些人会较方便将孩子抱走。我坚持了下去,日子久了,孩子变得更亲近我,一到夜里,任谁都别想把她从我身边带走,除非能受得了她闹。哈!正中我下怀!因为有些人就是怕她闹!

会不会担心她因此而变得太依赖我?其实还好。这段日子的观察,当她在不熟悉的环境时,就需要相熟的面孔陪伴(不一定是我),而这种情况在她年龄相仿的孩群中相当普遍。我也就较放心了。

或许把心思都投注在孩子身上,也是因为没有其他人或物值得我去灌注那么多的情感吧!