我自己来

在2007年结束之前，恩恩要让大家看一看她有多厉害！

我要快乐

性格使然，我不是个很快乐的人。自认相当悲观，也是个cynic。而且一旦对某人、事、物产生某一种想法，就很难改变。比如某人若一开始就让我对他的处事方式感到很反感，接下来，只要他再做出任何小动作，即使无关痛痒，我也觉得难以忍受，极端厌恶。
我的脑袋永远停不下来，是个思绪很频密的人。时不时会想些有的没的，就这样，经常会想些跟自己沾不上边的事，甚至在事情未发生时，预知可能会发生的事，而且通常都是一些我不喜欢预见的状况，弄得自己心情烦闷。
最近SY让我看了“秘密”。虽然才刚开始接触，但觉得Law of Attraction瞒有道理。所以我决定了，我要快乐。虽然别人可以影响我们的情绪，但我们可以选择如何去调试它。我要学习让自己更乐观，让身边的人活得较没有压力，让自己过的更轻松、自在。

Birthday - Bye Bye

Dec 19 Night

While I'm having my Birthday Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at SLC (waited for more than 1 1/2 hr) around 8pm, my family back home is busy preparing to send my a gong off on his final journey.

Guess this year's birthday will be a bitter-sweet event, though I don't feel as much pain and sadness as the past few days, there is not much feeling of happiness too.

The weather forecast predicted a day of rain and snow, though it wasn't quite accurate, the night was still rather chilly. The day went by quite well, with my baby's behaviour being better than average. There wasn't any quarrel. Everything seemed fine.

For dinner we ordered 2 side dishes of Fried Calamari and Buffalo Wings, we had Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta for Main, a Godiva Choc Cheesecake for dessert and Typhoon Punch + Peach Smoothie drinks. The portion was huge, thus we packed the Cheesecake and Wings. I would have expected better food for the crowd, perhaps it's just not to our taste. So many people can't be wrong.

Another year has past, what can I wish for or expect for the one that just arrived? Frankly speaking, I don't know. There are many things in life that we can't plan for nor dictate the direction of how do you want them to flow. Perhaps, for the moment, I'll just let nature takes it course, till I'm ready again.

Happy Birthday and Good-bye a gong!

The Best Thing That Happened

After all the disasters and heartache, I finally saw a silver lining today.

This is the first day I get to go out of the house with my gal ALONE. Yes, I finally get to drive. Though it's not somewhere far, just the nearest supermarket 2km away, but it's the first time I taste freedom, freedom out of these four walls. Not sure if any of you out there can understand.

When I got home, I took my laptop apart with the new screwdriver I got. When I dismantled the battery, the indicator light that would not go away disappeared. It didn't re-appear after I re-assembled it. So I thought this could be it. Yes! It's working again! I can keep in contact with what's happening back home, have a look at the wake. Though I can't be there physically, at least I am still there. I think ah gong is definitely watching out for me. Things will get better.

阿公没有了

12月15日 傍晚7点30分

还是失眠的夜晚。凌晨2时多起床，翻来覆去，决定上网察看电邮，希望NWA会回复询问。是回复了，但没什么帮助，尽管是凌晨时分，仍决定打电话给航空公司。侥幸热线是24小时服务。询问结果和我昨天上网查询的答案一致-最早的班机要等到20日。当我抵达新加坡都已经是22日了。继续寻找其他航班，可是真的负担不起，单程票价比双程的还贵，母女俩一起飞，起码需要5千新元，对我而言，这简直就是天文数字！

打电话回家，爸爸在医院。收线不太清晰，只听到他要我跟阿公说话。“阿公，你一定要坚强，要等我回来。你一定要好起来。”之后，妈妈接过电话，她问我跟阿公说了什么。跟她说了，她竟然答到：“你应该叫他安心地走。告诉他不用担心我们，大家会和睦共处。阿公很辛苦，他很难呼吸，他们都说可能他还有没有见到的人，不放心，不能安心地走。”“我怎么可能叫他走？我做不到。我跟你们不一样，我走前都没机会见他一面。”

一直地祈祷，一生中所祷告的次数加起来，都没这一天来得多。一个我从不正视的上帝，我居然一直求他，要他给阿公力量，带他渡过难关，驱走他的痛苦......因为这是我唯一知道怎么祈祷的方式。

一大早便离开寓所，昨天已通知薇，若有状况，一定要打到我在美国的手机号码。从没那么开心手机如此寂静，No news is good news。开始相信奇迹可能出现，沿途不断地祈祷。

下午4点多，终于回到家，拿起新加坡的手机一看，四则简讯，分别发于家乡时间凌晨2。41和3。30。一致的信息：Ah gong is gone。立即回电，爸爸的第一句话是：“阿公没有了。”“阿公回家了没？几时出殡？”“已经在楼下了，20日。”“我肯定来不及回去。最早的班机在20日，回到新加坡都已经22日了。”妈妈说：“你不要难过，阿公知道的。你不用赶回来，来不及的。需要处理的，我帮你处理。”“我本来要去看他才走的。我要打电话给他的，可是就一直拖，一直拖。现在没有机会了。有些事真的不可以拖的，现在没有机会了。”

我心里最后一个在乎的祖父就这样突然走了。奇迹没有出现，上帝没有答应我这个不虔诚的人的乞求。我的人生又多了一件遗憾，我对不起阿Ma，也对不起阿公。

这次的旅途，除了碰到的好人，剩下的只是寒冷的冬天、劳财、伤神与无尽的心痛。

阿公，你要走好。到另一个更快乐的世界，在那里守护我。再见！

Please Pull Through......

Dec 14 7.30am

Couldn't sleep well. Woke up when it was ard 5+ in the evening Singapore time. Tossing and turning from then on. Finally it's 7am here in Utah. In a moment, I'll be able to 'see' my family.

7.15am, B is not online. 7.25am, not online. 7.35am, still not online. This is abnormal. I should call home. Nobody answers. Call Dad then, no answer. Call Mum, B and R's mobile. All turned off. No!! This can only mean 1 thing. Someone must be in hospital, the only place where people have to turn their hp off! I must get someone. The only one who seems to have his hp on is Dad. I shall call him again. "Beep, beep" goes my hp. A message from B! "Call Dad on his hp." "Where r u people? Y didn't anyone answer?" Dad said,"In hospital. Ah gong's was admitted. He fainted suddenly while watching TV. Just wheeled out. Doc said brain haermorrage. If he is to be operated, likely to become a vegetable." Why??!! Why must my hunch be so accurate??

I should get a flight back asap. Not again! No economy tickets available! Even if I upgrade to business or first class, the flight hrs is ridiculous!!! 40- over 50hrs! How to fly for so long with a 2 yr old?? Next possible available flight is on 20 Dec. If anything bad really happened, I won't even be in time for......

Why must all the bad things happen to me?? I didn't get to see my grandpa before I flew as it was a last min change. Had wanted to call him after I arrived, but I procrastinated. Now, I don't wish to live with another regret. I regretted I didn't spend more time with my grandma when she passed away 3 yrs ago. Please... not this time.... Let grandpa pull through, even if it takes a miracle.

End of the WORLD!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in a state of absolute HISTERIA now!! My laptop, my only form of communication with the outside world had DIED on me!!! YYYYY???? Bcos my DARLING. she actually FLOODED it!!!! Now I can only have access to the real/ reel world when K is at home AND not using his laptop!!!!

Why does this have to happen to me???????!!!!!!!!!!!

寂寞

En: Elmo is not sad. Elmo has Big Bird.
M: Mummy很寂寞。Mummy没有朋友。
En: En En 是Mummy的朋友，我们是朋友。

寂寞本是无形的，却能通过有形的环境体现 - 受困在四堵墙内，有脚却似残废，有爱护我的亲人与挚友，却在世界的另一端，唯一联系着我们的，是一台冷冰冰的电脑。面对它久了，真的很厌恶，因为这正是我孤独无助的写照，可却不得不得依赖它。多么讽刺啊！

这里四面高山环绕，环境清幽，居民一般还相当友善，真的还不错。而且在新加坡一直缠着我的一些生理状况，也不见了。可是，过惯了城市生活，一出门就有巴士站、地铁站，手一举，大把德士愿意停下来，谁在意你会不会驾车，或者是否是拥车族。来到这里，如果少了一辆车，就好比如断了手脚，哪里都去不得。想找朋友聊一聊，谈何容易。这不是钱的问题，其实打长途电话并不贵，也可以通过MSN、Skype等网上攀谈。时间却很难配合，而且有时真的很想能见个面，喝喝茶，吃吃饭，那种有个伴的感觉就是不一样。

我嫁的不是SNAG，他不会偶尔打个电话问你还好吗？甚至能告诉你他连一分钟时间打个电话给你都没有。回到家，不是继续上网，就是与同事看电视闲聊。排队排到我时，他想上床睡觉了。环境并不能使一个人改变。

想起临别时，SQ对我说了一句话：“If u really don't like it, then come back.”我真的很想回去了。至少家里有在乎我的人。我爱去哪儿，就去哪儿。如果没有小妹时不时在网上与我聊天，日子一定过的更孤寂。

我不想过孤单的生日、圣诞、新年。在这里我只是煮饭婆，在家里，我是爸妈亲爱的女儿、微微的好姐姐、Fur Fur的Mummy、死党的好朋友。I know I'm loved at home. I miss home.

12月8日

按原定计划，今天才是我们从新加坡起飞的日子。临时的变卦，让我在今天见识了第二场大雪。

昨天是下雨天，一大早便和旅居当地的一位新加坡妈妈与她的两位小绅士出游。我们去了Ikea。那儿的儿童游乐场比新加坡的大了两倍，家长可以把小孩寄放在那儿，再开始购物之旅。员工会将一个通讯器交给家长，以便有紧急事故，可以联络。要入游乐场的孩子必须达到规定高度。宝贝应该刚合格，但她不愿自己留下。妈妈A帮大儿子T登记后，两个大人便托着两个小孩开始逛。


基本上，这里的Ikea和新加坡的大同小异。不过我还是挑到一些便宜货-0。99的地毯、1.99六支装，双用途marker...午餐时间，宝贝要坐在儿童桌椅。不久后，一对父女便来与我们搭桌子。原来父亲F是德国人。由于妻子在德国无法找到工作，在11年前便移居美国。看来他应该是SAHD。跟他聊天，发现他不太喜欢这里。他认为这里的居民有种族歧视，会侵犯他人隐私，比如邻居会翻查他们的垃圾、留意他们何时回家等。我呢，到目前为止，一切还好。这里的服务水平一般较高，人们相当友善、乐于助人。F在离开前还留了联络号码，邀请我和家人与他们同游。

妈妈A送我们回家后，便上来小坐。她还带了许多绒毛玩具、书本和影碟借我们。人在异乡，能与同乡碰面，已是一种福气。再加上这些友善、贴心的帮助，可说是雪中送炭，心中有说不尽的感激。

傍晚时分，雨天转为茫茫大雪。K在回家途中遇到塞车，听说他有些同事还冒着大雪夜，驾两小时的车到赌场。今天早上问起和我们搭房的同事，才知他们零晨4点才回到寓所。

虽是星期六，K还是得回公司受训半天。明天他将正式上班，所以这星期他将不会有任何休假日。下午，我们计划带着小瓜去看电影-Golden Compass。和新加坡一样，三岁以下的小孩进戏院是免费的。而且5点之前看戏，戏票较便宜。这里虽然也有电影分级制，不过一般只是供参考作用。儿童在下午6点之前，在父母陪同下，也能入场看R级片。

说不定多一会儿会带宝贝到户外玩雪。希望她不再那么排斥。

后续：宝贝不再怕雪了！这回，她不但冒着雪在雪地里走动，还与我堆雪人、打雪战，不但玩得不亦乐乎，甚至还不想回家。

Pls come to US!

Invitation from Baby En

生命力

天气转晴，虽然没有大雪纷飞，与家乡的天气相比，还是相当冷的。还是决定出去走走。










数天前的皑皑大雪，留下了厚厚的一层积雪。宝贝决定试着在雪地上走走看。或许积雪没那么厚了，或许少了白雪纷飞的景象，她没那么排斥了，甚至走到游乐场玩。








经过阳光的洗礼，部分积雪渐渐融化，地面上露出了被冰封了数日的草皮。好神奇啊，本以为小草应该都被冻得枯萎了，却惊见雪白之下露出一片绿意。好顽强的生命力啊！不禁佩服起那不起眼，平时让人们践踏的小草。

First Glimpse of Snowing

Woke up at 4am. K woke up even earlier. Baby En didn't do much better. However, she managed to get back to sleep after 1 1/2 hr.

Couldn't get back to sleep, so decided to sneak a peek outside. Wooh!!! Snow! It's snowing at 6am!! The photographer in me got off to work. Clad in T-shirt and shorts, I quickly rushed to the balcony in K's shoes. Snap Snap Snap!! Not nice. So I decided to switch to manual mode just so I could get the falling snow and backdrop into the pic. Yes!! Did it! It's COLD!
















K's supposed to go for Cultural Training this morning. The snow didn't get lighter. Gosh, he just got his car last evening. I'm worried. The visibility out there is really bad and to mention the slippery road.




















Just got a call from his company. They will be delaying the class due to bad weather condition. Hope they'll be able to get K on his mobile as he just left 5min ago.

Called K. The class might be cancelled. The office is trying to contact the others staying elsewhere. Hopefully they really cancel it.

Brought En out to the balcony for a feel of real snow just now. She didn't take to it and nearly vomited. She commented that the snow is SMELLY. In case some of u don't know, she is very sensitive to smell and will even feel nauseous when she smells her poo. :-p