我自己来

在2007年结束之前，恩恩要让大家看一看她有多厉害！

我要快乐

性格使然，我不是个很快乐的人。自认相当悲观，也是个cynic。而且一旦对某人、事、物产生某一种想法，就很难改变。比如某人若一开始就让我对他的处事方式感到很反感，接下来，只要他再做出任何小动作，即使无关痛痒，我也觉得难以忍受，极端厌恶。
我的脑袋永远停不下来，是个思绪很频密的人。时不时会想些有的没的，就这样，经常会想些跟自己沾不上边的事，甚至在事情未发生时，预知可能会发生的事，而且通常都是一些我不喜欢预见的状况，弄得自己心情烦闷。
最近SY让我看了“秘密”。虽然才刚开始接触，但觉得Law of Attraction瞒有道理。所以我决定了，我要快乐。虽然别人可以影响我们的情绪，但我们可以选择如何去调试它。我要学习让自己更乐观，让身边的人活得较没有压力，让自己过的更轻松、自在。

Birthday - Bye Bye

Dec 19 Night

While I'm having my Birthday Dinner at the Cheesecake Factory at SLC (waited for more than 1 1/2 hr) around 8pm, my family back home is busy preparing to send my a gong off on his final journey.

Guess this year's birthday will be a bitter-sweet event, though I don't feel as much pain and sadness as the past few days, there is not much feeling of happiness too.

The weather forecast predicted a day of rain and snow, though it wasn't quite accurate, the night was still rather chilly. The day went by quite well, with my baby's behaviour being better than average. There wasn't any quarrel. Everything seemed fine.

For dinner we ordered 2 side dishes of Fried Calamari and Buffalo Wings, we had Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta for Main, a Godiva Choc Cheesecake for dessert and Typhoon Punch + Peach Smoothie drinks. The portion was huge, thus we packed the Cheesecake and Wings. I would have expected better food for the crowd, perhaps it's just not to our taste. So many people can't be wrong.

Another year has past, what can I wish for or expect for the one that just arrived? Frankly speaking, I don't know. There are many things in life that we can't plan for nor dictate the direction of how do you want them to flow. Perhaps, for the moment, I'll just let nature takes it course, till I'm ready again.

Happy Birthday and Good-bye a gong!

The Best Thing That Happened

After all the disasters and heartache, I finally saw a silver lining today.

This is the first day I get to go out of the house with my gal ALONE. Yes, I finally get to drive. Though it's not somewhere far, just the nearest supermarket 2km away, but it's the first time I taste freedom, freedom out of these four walls. Not sure if any of you out there can understand.

When I got home, I took my laptop apart with the new screwdriver I got. When I dismantled the battery, the indicator light that would not go away disappeared. It didn't re-appear after I re-assembled it. So I thought this could be it. Yes! It's working again! I can keep in contact with what's happening back home, have a look at the wake. Though I can't be there physically, at least I am still there. I think ah gong is definitely watching out for me. Things will get better.

阿公没有了

12月15日 傍晚7点30分

还是失眠的夜晚。凌晨2时多起床，翻来覆去，决定上网察看电邮，希望NWA会回复询问。是回复了，但没什么帮助，尽管是凌晨时分，仍决定打电话给航空公司。侥幸热线是24小时服务。询问结果和我昨天上网查询的答案一致-最早的班机要等到20日。当我抵达新加坡都已经是22日了。继续寻找其他航班，可是真的负担不起，单程票价比双程的还贵，母女俩一起飞，起码需要5千新元，对我而言，这简直就是天文数字！

打电话回家，爸爸在医院。收线不太清晰，只听到他要我跟阿公说话。“阿公，你一定要坚强，要等我回来。你一定要好起来。”之后，妈妈接过电话，她问我跟阿公说了什么。跟她说了，她竟然答到：“你应该叫他安心地走。告诉他不用担心我们，大家会和睦共处。阿公很辛苦，他很难呼吸，他们都说可能他还有没有见到的人，不放心，不能安心地走。”“我怎么可能叫他走？我做不到。我跟你们不一样，我走前都没机会见他一面。”

一直地祈祷，一生中所祷告的次数加起来，都没这一天来得多。一个我从不正视的上帝，我居然一直求他，要他给阿公力量，带他渡过难关，驱走他的痛苦......因为这是我唯一知道怎么祈祷的方式。

一大早便离开寓所，昨天已通知薇，若有状况，一定要打到我在美国的手机号码。从没那么开心手机如此寂静，No news is good news。开始相信奇迹可能出现，沿途不断地祈祷。

下午4点多，终于回到家，拿起新加坡的手机一看，四则简讯，分别发于家乡时间凌晨2。41和3。30。一致的信息：Ah gong is gone。立即回电，爸爸的第一句话是：“阿公没有了。”“阿公回家了没？几时出殡？”“已经在楼下了，20日。”“我肯定来不及回去。最早的班机在20日，回到新加坡都已经22日了。”妈妈说：“你不要难过，阿公知道的。你不用赶回来，来不及的。需要处理的，我帮你处理。”“我本来要去看他才走的。我要打电话给他的，可是就一直拖，一直拖。现在没有机会了。有些事真的不可以拖的，现在没有机会了。”

我心里最后一个在乎的祖父就这样突然走了。奇迹没有出现，上帝没有答应我这个不虔诚的人的乞求。我的人生又多了一件遗憾，我对不起阿Ma，也对不起阿公。

这次的旅途，除了碰到的好人，剩下的只是寒冷的冬天、劳财、伤神与无尽的心痛。

阿公，你要走好。到另一个更快乐的世界，在那里守护我。再见！

Please Pull Through......

Dec 14 7.30am

Couldn't sleep well. Woke up when it was ard 5+ in the evening Singapore time. Tossing and turning from then on. Finally it's 7am here in Utah. In a moment, I'll be able to 'see' my family.

7.15am, B is not online. 7.25am, not online. 7.35am, still not online. This is abnormal. I should call home. Nobody answers. Call Dad then, no answer. Call Mum, B and R's mobile. All turned off. No!! This can only mean 1 thing. Someone must be in hospital, the only place where people have to turn their hp off! I must get someone. The only one who seems to have his hp on is Dad. I shall call him again. "Beep, beep" goes my hp. A message from B! "Call Dad on his hp." "Where r u people? Y didn't anyone answer?" Dad said,"In hospital. Ah gong's was admitted. He fainted suddenly while watching TV. Just wheeled out. Doc said brain haermorrage. If he is to be operated, likely to become a vegetable." Why??!! Why must my hunch be so accurate??

I should get a flight back asap. Not again! No economy tickets available! Even if I upgrade to business or first class, the flight hrs is ridiculous!!! 40- over 50hrs! How to fly for so long with a 2 yr old?? Next possible available flight is on 20 Dec. If anything bad really happened, I won't even be in time for......

Why must all the bad things happen to me?? I didn't get to see my grandpa before I flew as it was a last min change. Had wanted to call him after I arrived, but I procrastinated. Now, I don't wish to live with another regret. I regretted I didn't spend more time with my grandma when she passed away 3 yrs ago. Please... not this time.... Let grandpa pull through, even if it takes a miracle.

End of the WORLD!!!!!!!!!!

I'm in a state of absolute HISTERIA now!! My laptop, my only form of communication with the outside world had DIED on me!!! YYYYY???? Bcos my DARLING. she actually FLOODED it!!!! Now I can only have access to the real/ reel world when K is at home AND not using his laptop!!!!

Why does this have to happen to me???????!!!!!!!!!!!

寂寞

En: Elmo is not sad. Elmo has Big Bird.
M: Mummy很寂寞。Mummy没有朋友。
En: En En 是Mummy的朋友，我们是朋友。

寂寞本是无形的，却能通过有形的环境体现 - 受困在四堵墙内，有脚却似残废，有爱护我的亲人与挚友，却在世界的另一端，唯一联系着我们的，是一台冷冰冰的电脑。面对它久了，真的很厌恶，因为这正是我孤独无助的写照，可却不得不得依赖它。多么讽刺啊！

这里四面高山环绕，环境清幽，居民一般还相当友善，真的还不错。而且在新加坡一直缠着我的一些生理状况，也不见了。可是，过惯了城市生活，一出门就有巴士站、地铁站，手一举，大把德士愿意停下来，谁在意你会不会驾车，或者是否是拥车族。来到这里，如果少了一辆车，就好比如断了手脚，哪里都去不得。想找朋友聊一聊，谈何容易。这不是钱的问题，其实打长途电话并不贵，也可以通过MSN、Skype等网上攀谈。时间却很难配合，而且有时真的很想能见个面，喝喝茶，吃吃饭，那种有个伴的感觉就是不一样。

我嫁的不是SNAG，他不会偶尔打个电话问你还好吗？甚至能告诉你他连一分钟时间打个电话给你都没有。回到家，不是继续上网，就是与同事看电视闲聊。排队排到我时，他想上床睡觉了。环境并不能使一个人改变。

想起临别时，SQ对我说了一句话：“If u really don't like it, then come back.”我真的很想回去了。至少家里有在乎我的人。我爱去哪儿，就去哪儿。如果没有小妹时不时在网上与我聊天，日子一定过的更孤寂。

我不想过孤单的生日、圣诞、新年。在这里我只是煮饭婆，在家里，我是爸妈亲爱的女儿、微微的好姐姐、Fur Fur的Mummy、死党的好朋友。I know I'm loved at home. I miss home.

12月8日

按原定计划，今天才是我们从新加坡起飞的日子。临时的变卦，让我在今天见识了第二场大雪。

昨天是下雨天，一大早便和旅居当地的一位新加坡妈妈与她的两位小绅士出游。我们去了Ikea。那儿的儿童游乐场比新加坡的大了两倍，家长可以把小孩寄放在那儿，再开始购物之旅。员工会将一个通讯器交给家长，以便有紧急事故，可以联络。要入游乐场的孩子必须达到规定高度。宝贝应该刚合格，但她不愿自己留下。妈妈A帮大儿子T登记后，两个大人便托着两个小孩开始逛。


基本上，这里的Ikea和新加坡的大同小异。不过我还是挑到一些便宜货-0。99的地毯、1.99六支装，双用途marker...午餐时间，宝贝要坐在儿童桌椅。不久后，一对父女便来与我们搭桌子。原来父亲F是德国人。由于妻子在德国无法找到工作，在11年前便移居美国。看来他应该是SAHD。跟他聊天，发现他不太喜欢这里。他认为这里的居民有种族歧视，会侵犯他人隐私，比如邻居会翻查他们的垃圾、留意他们何时回家等。我呢，到目前为止，一切还好。这里的服务水平一般较高，人们相当友善、乐于助人。F在离开前还留了联络号码，邀请我和家人与他们同游。

妈妈A送我们回家后，便上来小坐。她还带了许多绒毛玩具、书本和影碟借我们。人在异乡，能与同乡碰面，已是一种福气。再加上这些友善、贴心的帮助，可说是雪中送炭，心中有说不尽的感激。

傍晚时分，雨天转为茫茫大雪。K在回家途中遇到塞车，听说他有些同事还冒着大雪夜，驾两小时的车到赌场。今天早上问起和我们搭房的同事，才知他们零晨4点才回到寓所。

虽是星期六，K还是得回公司受训半天。明天他将正式上班，所以这星期他将不会有任何休假日。下午，我们计划带着小瓜去看电影-Golden Compass。和新加坡一样，三岁以下的小孩进戏院是免费的。而且5点之前看戏，戏票较便宜。这里虽然也有电影分级制，不过一般只是供参考作用。儿童在下午6点之前，在父母陪同下，也能入场看R级片。

说不定多一会儿会带宝贝到户外玩雪。希望她不再那么排斥。

后续：宝贝不再怕雪了！这回，她不但冒着雪在雪地里走动，还与我堆雪人、打雪战，不但玩得不亦乐乎，甚至还不想回家。

Pls come to US!

Invitation from Baby En

生命力

天气转晴，虽然没有大雪纷飞，与家乡的天气相比，还是相当冷的。还是决定出去走走。










数天前的皑皑大雪，留下了厚厚的一层积雪。宝贝决定试着在雪地上走走看。或许积雪没那么厚了，或许少了白雪纷飞的景象，她没那么排斥了，甚至走到游乐场玩。








经过阳光的洗礼，部分积雪渐渐融化，地面上露出了被冰封了数日的草皮。好神奇啊，本以为小草应该都被冻得枯萎了，却惊见雪白之下露出一片绿意。好顽强的生命力啊！不禁佩服起那不起眼，平时让人们践踏的小草。

First Glimpse of Snowing

Woke up at 4am. K woke up even earlier. Baby En didn't do much better. However, she managed to get back to sleep after 1 1/2 hr.

Couldn't get back to sleep, so decided to sneak a peek outside. Wooh!!! Snow! It's snowing at 6am!! The photographer in me got off to work. Clad in T-shirt and shorts, I quickly rushed to the balcony in K's shoes. Snap Snap Snap!! Not nice. So I decided to switch to manual mode just so I could get the falling snow and backdrop into the pic. Yes!! Did it! It's COLD!
















K's supposed to go for Cultural Training this morning. The snow didn't get lighter. Gosh, he just got his car last evening. I'm worried. The visibility out there is really bad and to mention the slippery road.




















Just got a call from his company. They will be delaying the class due to bad weather condition. Hope they'll be able to get K on his mobile as he just left 5min ago.

Called K. The class might be cancelled. The office is trying to contact the others staying elsewhere. Hopefully they really cancel it.

Brought En out to the balcony for a feel of real snow just now. She didn't take to it and nearly vomited. She commented that the snow is SMELLY. In case some of u don't know, she is very sensitive to smell and will even feel nauseous when she smells her poo. :-p

Utah

28th Nov

We're finally here, after the long flight and transits.

As I'm typing here, Baby En is sleeping behind me on the soft, comfortable couch, even though she wanted to watch Elmo and the VCD is still playing away. Guess she must be really tired, as her sleep time is in a mess now. Could be the weather too. It's like an air-conditioned room though the heater is on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29th Nov

Woke up at 7am to do video call with family. Somehow the speaker didn't seem to be working on their side. Anyway it's a great feeling to be able to see them.

Think we're all getting a little sick. K is having his cough again. Baby En a little too. I'm having a blocked nose now. Not sure if it's due to the tiredness or the weather. Hope it's not the latter, else I'll be having it for the next few months.

Over here, it looks like a town. There's hardly any tall buildings around. The weather is really cold and dry, even though it's not at it's lowest yet. On the whole, everything seems nice. Our apartment is self-contained and very nice and cosy. We have a play ground here though I'm not even sure if we'd ever use it. That applies for the outdoor pool too. Basically it's like a condominium with a clubhouse.

We went to Wal-Mart last night. It's open 24hrs. Guess how much we spent? Over USD$200! We got a booster seat. Figured it's more worthwhile as it can be packed into smaller size when we leave for home. K got a local lousy hp for cheap local calls.

Baby En loves it here.

Will include pics in my next update.

Last Minute Changes

We'll be flying to Utah with Daddy tomorrow morning!

It was a last minute decision as a check with NW this morning revealed that they had economy tickets available now. Thus, we did the top-up of $1.2k plus. Next came the frantic packing, informing of family, friends, change of currency, banking etc etc. My house is still in a mess!

Amidst the chaos, this sudden sense of lost crept in. I started missing everyone and everything even before I flew, especially my Dear Fur Fur (perhaps part of it due to guilt, as I always feel that I'd neglected her since the arrival of Baby En). Gosh! I miss you Mummy, Papa, Bee Bee and all my dear gfrens (u know who u are)!

Take care!

HFMD

"Mummy, I got ulcers." True enough, 2 of them on each side of her tongue. "Itchy (referring to her feet)." GOSH! Blister-like rashes on both her feet. First thing that came to my mind was - HFMD!! I checked her hands but there was only one blister. No fever. Nonetheless, I rushed her to the doc.

The verdict - Positive. As treatment is symptomatic, there's really nothing much we can do except to let her immune system work it out. How unfortunate that it had to strike (1st time) just 2 weeks before we fly!

Luckily:-
1. It was mild. There wasn't any fever and the ulcers were not wide-spread. (By the time we got home from the clinic, the rashes had spread to both her palms and around her pelvic area. Good thing is, till now, there's no other signs that it's worsening).

2. It would have been worse if she contracted it later as recovery period is approximately 1 - 2 weeks. Phew!

I'm wishing that she'll be fully recovered from all her illnesses by the time we need to leave, otherwise it'll be a very uncomfortable trip for her. That translates to "It will be HELL for Mummy." Sigh......

P/s: She was first diagnosed with the disease yesterday morning.

坏小孩语录

1。小鬼做错事被我骂了两句，结果她说：“I want to call your HUSBAND”。然后她便打电话告状。

2。谈到妈妈生日快到了，便向她要礼物，她回答：“我很小，我还小，不可以买礼物。”

3。正要喂她喝咳嗽药水。小鬼要自己拿量药水的小杯子，说道：“It's MINE! I want to take myself. U pour inside. U don't take ha. Be a good girl.”

4。阿嫲问她：“U broke piggy(coin bank)?”
小鬼答：“I did not break piggy.”
阿嫲：“Then who broke piggy?”
小鬼：“It's En En.”

5。在车里，小鬼喃喃自语：“Teacher Yeow Gek, Mummy. Teacher Yeow Gek, Mummy..... Miss Chong, Daddy. Miss Chong, Daddy........”
爸爸多嘴道：“Yes.”
小鬼应：“Are u Miss Chong?”

Belles of AJPS - Thank You!

It's been very difficult to organise an outing with full attendance - family commitments, work schedule etc. But this time, WE ALL MADE IT!

Despite the horrendous jam (due to ASEAN summit), torrents rain, sickness, family woes, work schedule etc, we met, some even with young babies in tow.

"Heavy jam, Callous rain

Battling work foes

And family woes

Weak in body

Tired in souls

Despite all troubles

You gals came

At Aerin's we gathered

Amidst the wining and dining

We shared our stories

It's great to know

Regardless of time and space

We'll always have each other to share."

- dedicated to the lovely gals of AJPS (92/93)

This is the first time I'm trying my hands on a poem. It doesn't rhyme and might not seems that fantastic. But this is something I'll like to do for my dear friends of so many years. Even though the gathering wasn't well-planned, nonetheless we had a great time together - something we didn't have the luxury for in a long, long time.

Hope that we'll have the opportunity for such a marvelous gathering when I return.

P/s: Aoqun, pls forward me the pics u took so that I can post them here. Ths!

出国 - 散心？烦心？

到了今时、今日，没有一件事是定下来的。唯一能确定的是，肯定无法在28日起飞，经济舱已爆满！K公司发出的消息来得太迟了。

接着就是烦要订哪天的机票、票价、怎么安排接送、回程日期............明天的Visa interview不知会否出状况？？

一想到要独自一人，又提行李，又拖个小瓜，还要转两趟班机，就万般恐惧。特别是上回在Narita专机的经历，它们的候机室特别混乱，程搭不同班机的搭客都挤在一个诺大的候机室里。

原本满怀期待的白色圣诞，终于能够实现。却早已被烦琐、满布荆棘的过程一扫而空。真的不想去了........

注：几分钟前，终于确定了机票（NW的网络订票系统实在“烂”。结果还是得通过电话订票）。12月8日 - 如果证件等都通过，我们真的要走了。

坏妈妈

发现每个月生理周期起变化的那一、两个星期，脾气会变得特别急躁，完全失去忍耐的能力。

常因为一些小事情，跟孩子大喊大叫。可怕的是，情况好像越来越糟。今天一大早，又为了孩子闹情绪而发火。整个人好像疯子一样，跟她大吼，“讨厌”、“irritating”等可怕的话脱口而出。一直喊，一直喊，一直喊.....完全失去自制的能力，还出手打了她。一巴掌打了下去，她没静下来，还拿藤条在小手心抽了两下。

宝贝，对不起！

我到底发生了什么事？希望只是最近为安排到国外的事，比较烦燥而已。最好不是得了忧郁症......

Why u call me "Wei"

There was a period of time when Baby En decided it was cool calling people "Wei!". So she went around shouting "Wei!" to me. Till I told her it's rude to do that. And if anyone were to call her "Wei" in school, she should just ignore and tell them that she has a name.

It kind of improve for a while. Then, one day, while we were waiting to board the plane home at Phuket Airport, Baby En was messing around near a rubbish bin. As a reflex action, I shouted "Wei! Baby move away from the rubbish bin." Next thing I knew, she strolled up to me and said in an angry tone, "Mummy, why you called me 'Wei'". Papa laughed so loudly, but I wasn't in the bit embarrassed. In fact, I felt happy she registered my message, thus I apologise to her and took the chance to reiterate that it wasn't nice to be called "Wei".

Not too long after, DEAR DEAR DADDY became the butt of his own joke. Hahahahaha!

Feeding at 6 mths

Was looking through some pics taken in 2005 when I came across this video of Fat En during one of her initial feeding experiences. Do remember to turn on the speaker to listen to the "commentary" (courtesy of Mummy and Yi Yi on 12 Oct 2005).

乱

这阵子，生活过得有点杂乱无章。有太多东西需去处理，可是却因为少了许多info，很多必须做的事情都被迫卡在那儿。VISA、机票、保险等等等，没一样敲定。Oh my gosh!这个月28日要走了，看现在的情形，走不走得了还是个未知数。烦！

了解

浏览着友人的部落格，阅读着他这几年来的生活点滴、经历、见解......突然发觉，这是我认识的他吗？
是他变了？生活改变了他？工作相对的安稳，经济较许可，所以人生的规划也不同了？可否是网路开辟了一片让他畅所欲言的空间？还是我一开始就从没了解过他？或是过于自我，认定对方屁股摇一摇，我就知道他在想什么，遮蔽了自己的双眼？还是以往那强势的我，逼得他把真实的自己掩藏起来？
原来，他竟是一个那么有强烈自我意识的人。

My husband - The Devil

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

The Temperance

You are Temperance

Time. Ages. Transformation. Involuntary change

Temperance is another card of aspiration, but also of much change. It often
represents complex situations. Positively, you can harmonize contrary
forces.

Temperance is, on a surface level, about "tempering." The original pouring from cup to cup might have been about cutting wine with water. So this is a card about moderation. There is, however, another angle to the card, that of merging seemingly impossible opposites. Sagittarius, the centaur, merges beast and man into a unique creature. And then there is the bow and arrow, one moving, one stationary, working together to point the way. Temperance may be, at first glance, a warning for you to "temper" your behavior, to cut your wine with water. But it may also be a reminder to that seemingly irreconcilable opposites may not be irreconcilable at all. Belief that fiery red and watery blue cannot be merged may be the only thing standing in the way of blending the two. Change the belief, measure out each with care, and you can create otherworldly violet.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

================================================

My verdict: Rather accurate. I had a friend who once told me that he felt I'm a person of opposites - dependent yet independent. My profile test also revealed similar results. i.e. I possess opposite traits. Rather unsual. Perhaps that's y I often feel troubled......

Thank you....

宝贝经常会向我“示爱”。一天里可以说上好几次"I love you", "Kiss me on my lips, Mummy"等。

今天，她却说了一句最动人的话。当我们在看Elmo's Outdoor Adventure VCD时，她突然转过头来对我说:"Thank you for loving me."

一句话抵消了所有的"I don't want you already", "I'm angry with you"......

Trauma

Tucks!! It's so painful and the amount of blood! Be gentle, gentle PLEASE!!!

Thought that I should go for a dental visit before going overseas. It had been year since my last visit, which was done with great unwillingness due to persistent toothache.

I'd always have a phobia of visiting the dentist thanks to the regular dental checks by those ohhhh sssoooo GENTLE dental nurses back in school days. As such, I'd never visit any dentist unless it's absolutely necessary after I escape their clutches.

However, my previous visit a year ago somehow took away a little of the anxiety. Although it took me 3 visits to rectify my problem, the dentist had been rather gentle and careful, perhaps because I'd mentioned to him that I'm afraid of dental visits. Thus, this time round, I convinced myself that those horror visits of yester-years are all long gone.

Ha! Bad luck! Although it's by no fault of the dentist. He was just doing his job, trying to give my pearlies a thorough cleansing. I should have given him a "warning", then he might have been more prudent with his digging and patching etc.

Note: The 2 visits were done by different dentists.

矛盾

很多时候，我告诉自己不要打孩子，特别是了解自己脾气不好，容易动怒，深怕一时之气下，会做一些日后后悔莫及的事。宝贝一天天长大，慢慢地，她也开始意识到自己是独立个体，有自己的想法、情绪，会发问、顶嘴、耍赖、发怒......脾气更是和妈妈同出一辙，可说是有过之而无不及。有一天，我终于忍无可忍拿藤条打了她（不是真的藤条，而是那类撑气球的塑料管，打了没那么疼）。你晓得吗，这小鬼还胆敢跟我抢藤条！本来只想打她的小手心，结果打不着，干脆把她捉起来往屁股抽了一下。她当然又哭又闹，嘴里虽然喊怕怕，可是行为上还是一样坏，性格倔得很！接下来的一、两天，情况没改善，还变本加厉，连三更半夜也起来闹。结果当然又是被打。她总爱在胡闹、乱耍脾气之际，还要妈妈抱抱等，而且是无论你做什么，她都不满意，就是故意找麻烦。很多时候，心里是想上前抱她的，可是又担心这样会养成她无理取闹的个性，所以她越闹，我越不睬她，一定要她认错。她硬是不肯，就在那儿展开“拉锯战”。
有时，感觉上，若我态度先软化，去抱她，她可能更快恢复，也不需搞得自己气得快发疯，可是真的很怕这样的妥协会照成将来宠坏她的严重下场，让她变得娇纵、无理。毕竟人人都让她，管教她的责任都落在我一个人身上。当她闹起来时，枕边人给予的并不是体谅，而是"Y do u ALL have to do this every night?!"难道我不累吗？真的很想撞墙死了算了。
我到底是个怎样的妈妈？是否能教好我的孩子？做得对不对？我没有答案。
唯一庆幸的是，至少到目前为止，虽然妈妈对她是最凶的，也是唯一会打她的，宝贝始终最爱我，即使教训了她后，她还是会要找我。会不会担心有一天她终于讨厌妈妈，讨厌那个唯一会对她严厉的妈妈？当然会。可是这是我为人母的责任，只希望她永远能明白一切都是为了爱她。
小宝贝，打在儿身，痛在娘心。你长大了是否能够体会？

《生病》

I don't believe it
Baby En En 又生病了
这次比上次还要更严重
除了发烧还咳嗽 和流不停的鼻水
为何常生病 刺痛我的心.....

(sing to the tune of 《认错》)

Sigh....

**Kiss Kiss**

Baby En woke up very early today.

Daddy just gave Mummy a good-bye kiss, when all of a sudden Baby En sat up. How could Daddy miss this opportunity to get a kiss from his Princess? Then came," I cannot kiss Daddy's lips." "Why?""Because I can only kiss Mummy's lips."

Hahahahahaha. So she did remember what I told her!

心烦的日子

最近过得很pek chek。AIA的保单问题困扰了我将近五个月，始终还是“半天吊”。最令人气节的是，有些人挂着Customer Service Deputy Head的头衔，办起事来更像PR部门的，一味只想帮公司开脱疏失之责，全然没有帮客户解决问题之心，更提不上运用最重要的5"W" 1"H"，下属的表现比她好上千万倍！居然还要我come out of my own pocket to right a wrong they created!难怪人们说新加坡的服务水准，要达国际水平，still a long, long way to go......

更糟的是，宝贝生病了。今天已经是第四天，看了两次医生，烧还是不退。如果明天还不康复，又要去看医生。本以为这个星期能放两天“大假"（星期一，托管中心举行中秋节活动，星期二，需提早到学校参加年终毕业典礼演出彩排），结果......简直就是血管爆炸的一星期，可否想象，Naughty 2 Syndrome x 2,3,4,5,6.....!!!晚上还不能睡，因为小鬼夜夜都起来“做戏”，黑眼圈比熊猫还糟！

老天爷，救救我吧！

因为某原因与一位多年没联络，很特别的朋友联系上。心里一直有个问题，无法找到答案，性格使然，还是问了。不知为何，泪水在眼眶里打转，得到答案的那刹那，心中那块无形的大石，骤然碎成粉末。事过境迁，我想也不仅是放得下、放不下，毕竟在生命的某一阶段，他陪我走过。好与坏、对与错，到了今时今日，一切看似没那么重要了。相当庆幸，一路走来，还是多了个朋友，而非多一个敌人。

Phuket - Island of Friendlies

Just came back from our 4D3N (6-9 Sep) Phuket trip. Was kind of apprehensive initially cos it's right smack in the middle of Phuket's monsoon season now. However, guess "monsoon" for Phuket is very different from how it's being defined in US. There was hardly any rain, except for a very light drizzle for couple of mins on our 3rd day.

Our visit didn't just benefit Phuket's tourist industry, the mozzies couldn't wait to welcome us. They didn't hesitate to help themselves to their two 肥羊 (En and me). We're still suffering the effects of their VERY vicious attacks, swollen bumps that itches ever so often, especially Baby En who ended with a swollen left eyelid (after one horrendous mozzie landed on it while she was sleeping). Those mozzies were a tad different from what we get at home. They were leaner, meaner and faster. And they were EVERYWHERE!! Insect Repellent could only do that much......

The best part about Phuket is it's people. They are generally a friendly bunch who loves children, especially. Thus, our Miss Popularity topped the chart again, playing with hotel staff, toilet cleaners, store vendors, strangers, practically anyone she ran into. Having said that, it doesn't mean you don't bargain when you shop. Come on! That's the culture! Start with at least 50%- 70% off, unless u enjoy being a "radish head" (坎菜头). Patong is the HIP place to go, for shopping, food, clubbing, beach activities etc. Nightfall is when the place comes alive. Personally, I prefer Bangkok for shopping as it has a wider variety. Moreover, most of Phuket's stuff comes from the other provinces. If you're looking for "branded" stuff, it's paradise (don't expect AAA grade like Korea). For Shopping Malls, there's a new and rather big one - Jungceylon (http://www.jungceylon.com/) in Patong itself. Another one to look out for is Central Festival Market. We passed by it while on our way to the airport. It's huge and houses many international brands. However, the public transportation in Phuket is almost non-existent, thus it's very expensive to travel to CFM (approx. S$50 2-way from Karon). There might be free shuttle to and fro Patong though. Shopping aside, if u intend to go for a seafood feast, it's not cheap at all, even if you don't go for hotel fare (1 steam pomfret, 6 BBQ prawns, chap chai and fried rice cost us about S$50).

We stayed at Centara Karon Resort's (http://www.centralhotelsresorts.com/) private Cabanas (as the name implies, it's located at Karon Beach, about 10 mins drive from Patong). Though there's some shopping places and it's relatively easy to find eating places, convenience stores, massage parlours etc, Karon is much quieter compared to Patong. The hotel staff are just as friendly as the others but they generally lack initiative. Thus, it's quite unrealistic to expect first class service. Citing an e.g., we arrived very early on Day 1, around 9am Phuket time at the hotel. They weren't able to check us in as there were few Cabanas and they were all occupied. Even though we had a very young one in tow, and the mozzies were attacking us like 饿鬼, we were basically left to fend for ourselves, till I enquired if there were other rooms available. THEN, they brought us to one (they had plenty of unoccupied rooms as it was low season). Same thing happened when we checked out. I had to request for another room type for late check-out. They didn't offer me an option when we were told the Cabanas were fully booked. Thus, we ended up staying in 3 different room types for the trip :).

The Cabanas are really a class of it's own. We have our own private outdoor Jacuzzi (but it's not as well-maintained as the one in Siloso Beach Resort and you can't choose when you want the water jets to work) and rain shower. Though the Cabana is suppose to be a private en clove, it's not exactly PRIVATE. For shy ones, who're afraid that there might be people peeping at you when u shower INDOOR, then I suggest u give it a miss, as guests staying at the taller buildings around might still see you. Look at the pics below and you're probably understand why.

Our Cabana came as a package deal, meant for honeymooners. So, we got to enjoy 45min massage for 2 (which we upgraded), welcome drinks, bottle of sparkling wine, fruit basket, nightly canapes (snacks), dinner for 2 and the usual daily breakfast. All these merely cost about half of what it should be during peak season, which makes it really worthwhile.

Since the Cabanas are one of the most exclusive suites there, even the toiletries are special (yes, they are different from what the other rooms carry). On the first day, they even decorated the bed as if it was for honeymooners. We also had our rooms made twice everyday. The housekeeper would come in once more in the evening to tidy up the bed and spray a relaxing mist on the pillows. Sweet dreams......

Though we didn't have much to do (basically spent 2 half days at Patong), it really tires me out. Still suffering from exhaustion now. Guess that's how it's going to be with a naughty 2 year old tagging along.

热脸贴冷屁股

我经常都有这种感觉。当你好声好气跟人家说话，或找一些话题闲聊，结果那人一点反应都没有，连点个头示意都懒得这么做。而这不是一次、两次，甚至当你把不满告诉他，他还是时不时把你当成flushed into the environment。

还以为，只要自己做好榜样，show people respect, 久而久之，人家会体会到，自然会有所改变。可惜，不是人人都能将心比心，更多的却是take things for-granted。

看来，应该用最原始的那招了 - 以牙还牙！（如果成功了再通知你:)）

TV Features - All-truth/ Half-truth/ No-truth?

In this instance, my verdict is NO TRUTH. Ever heard of 天天火锅？The aggressive ads, features in TV programmes, with the hosts raving about the superb soup etc. Well, I would say utterly OVER-RATED and OVER-PRICED!

Why eat steamboat? For the soup of cos! This joint actually charges for the soup ($10 for 2 flavours), unless you go for their "promotion" - outdoor seats along the corridor. I'm lucky I opted for that. The soup did taste different from the usual "instant chicken stock" taste u get from most steamboat joints, but it's definitely far from spectacular. Couldn't even make out significant differences for my 2 choices of Chicken & Pork Ribs soup. Though they claimed that no MSG was used, I still felt rather thirsty after the meal. So much about 真材实料。

Besides the $10 for soup (if u're not going for the "promo"), they charge $18/pax plus 10% service charge. U would think for that kind of money, the spread should be quite substantial. Shocked!! Fishballs, mushroom balls, luncheon meat, some vegetables, tang hoon.... about 15 variants???, inclusive of the staples in the buffet spread. Oh, they still have some in their menu, say about 10 variants, which includes Tiger Prawns, the size you would use to make hay bee. For $12 at Marina South, u DEFINITELY get much more out of it (if u don't mind the smell and heat). Put it this way, if I were to throw away 10 plates of ingredients uneaten, the operator will still be laughing all the way to the bank.

As if I wasn't suay enough, I burnt my oesophagus while eating a tofu and paid $31 for the doctor. And I'm still suffering from it now, the constant choking, congested feel, especially near my heart when I have to swallow stuff, or even just burping.

If u really must try, u just need to take a look along the same stretch of shops, compare the size of the Tiger Prawns from another joint nearby, that should send a CLEAR signal - DON'T GO!

Home-made Mixed Vegetable Fish Beancurd

This is a healthy, delicious and easy-to-make dish for busy mums, which both adults and kids will love (inspired by my 小婶). The amount suggested is good for 1 adult and 1 child to go with porridge. It can be shared among 3 - 4 pax if there are more dishes to go along. Items in * are what I'm using, you're free to experiment with other variants and quantity. Do drop me a note if u love the recipe :).

Ingredients
*Thread fin fillet (approx. 1 x 2.5 x 1.5 inch)
*Broccoli stalk (2 inch)
Carrot (1 inch)
Corn kernel (a handful)
Ginger (THIN slice, depending on how much u like the taste of ginger)
Egg tofu (1 roll)
Oyster Sauce (2-3 tsp)
Sesame Oil (a dash)
*Pickled Lettuce (4 - 5 slices with 2 tsp of sauce, optional for healthier version)

Instruction
1. Put items 1-5 and 7 into blender and mince (add tofu later, otherwise the mixture might be too watery after blending).

2. Add tofu and pickled lettuce to finely minced mixture and blend to the smoothness u desire. Be careful not to overdo it.

3. Scoop final product out and transfer into bowl. Splash a dash of sesame oil on top of mixture.

4. Transfer into steamer and steam for 15 - 20 min.

TedaH! Ready to serve. Just mix with plain porridge and eat.

幸福的感觉

当孩子跟我说："Mummy, I want to sleep on your body."--那就是幸福。这是她每天睡前的小小要求，要妈妈抱着她，躺在妈妈的身上，即使是几分钟也开心。无论妈妈是冲了凉，香香的，或是煮完饭，全身油烟味，她还是喜欢把脸埋在妈妈怀里，深深地闻妈妈的味道。虽然有时心里会埋怨（毕竟是十几公斤的担子躺在身上，有时她的头又转来转去，弄得我满痛的，长头发又老爱在我脸上飞来飞去），可是当静下来时，那种感觉真的很窝心，很幸福。因为她是真真正正地期盼妈妈的拥抱，即使是枕边人，很多时候也只不过是例常公式。当妈妈把她移到毯子上时，她会要妈妈hug她，直到她入眠。这是我们的private time，谁都不能取代妈妈的位置。

小天使

今天，恩恩真是个小天使。

爸爸做夜班，需要睡觉，不能载我们去上课了。小恩恩乖乖地吃完茶点，让妈妈帮她换上米白色小洋装，再用许多小花儿发夹把长长的头发夹起来。哇！像极了小公主！

我们上课去了！星期六的下午，地铁车厢里的人可真多！虽然小公主打扮得漂漂亮亮，可是就是没人让位给她坐。漫长的路程，大手牵着小手，小公主不吵也不闹。她也没要妈妈抱抱。

哎哟！糊涂的妈妈竟然带着我们下错了站。来，我们上下一趟列车吧！

好不容易到达正确的车站，还要走相当长的一段隧道。YE!终于到学校了！

一路上，小公主跟着妈妈一起走，一起站，真是我的小天使。

朋友

几天前刚跟一位多年老友通过电话，那种感觉很好。虽然话题不是很开心的，但至少那种知道有人与你分担的体会，的确让人feel good。

朋友 - 若干年前，这“词汇”对我的意义并不重要。朋友的地位总是排在.....x,y,z。一直到上天赏了我重重的一巴掌，才让我意思到，人生不可能只围绕在一个“他”身上，亲人与朋友何其重要啊！

Thank God! I'm glad I learnt from my mistake!

人应该从错误中学习。日子久了，菱角磨平了，胸怀也慢慢变得较开阔，学会了欣赏别人的优点，学会了怎样原谅，学会了将心比心，学会了别去比较，学会了let go，更学会了珍惜。

I was given a Second chance, thus I intend to keep my worthy friends for life.

傻女人

“...她一个人在街上漫无目的地走，她说：‘他在家，可是没有来找我。’她要的是她的男人的关心关怀关注。偏偏‘我要去死了，你却不理我’。...” - 安娜的这篇《人也。女也》唤醒了我尘封的记忆......

七、八年前的某个夜晚，有个女人在路上走着。10点钟的马路，人潮依旧，车水马龙。成群刚上完夜校的人正赶着回家，路上也挤满了来接载的车辆。女人的心在荡血，她看不清前面的路，就这样走着走着，电话的另一端是一个当时在她心里很重要的人，他不会来接她，因为他要自由，要和朋友狂欢。无论女人发生什么事，他都不会在乎......

如今，女人偶尔还是会在寂静的夜晚，流着泪，漫无目的驾着车子，或是在雨夜淋着雨像幽魂般在夜空下游走。男人从来没去找过她，甚至能心安理得地入梦乡。

不一样的男人，一样的结果。“男人，有时候你们的铁石心肠，只用在工作的公正上，好吗？”- 一语道尽了女人的辛酸。因为男人的狠心，其实就只留给默默在身边陪着他的女人。在朋友的眼中，他肝胆相照，会为他们两肋插刀。在同事眼里，他有责任心，也是明理的上司。对于父母，他二十四孝。对于兄弟，他永不说“不”。

女人啊，要的也不过是男人的关心、体贴和一丁点儿的关注。面对女人的小小要求，男人有的是数不尽的借口。这样的人生路好难走......

=============================================

不久前听说了这样的真人真事：

某个女人因为她的男人变了心，结果在家中烧炭自杀。她的离去，的确让男人憔悴了一段时间，非常非常短暂的日子，也让他背负了“负心汉”的名字。时过境迁，男人还是跟第三者走在一起，才不过几个月的时间......

傻女人！值得吗？用你宝贵的生命来对这样的一个男人提出抗议！男人要走，总能为自己的负心找上千千万万个理由，他不会为你的离去而遗憾终生的。你只不过在为他们开辟一条康庄大路，时间一久，谁还会记得你这样一个女人，谁还会为你伤心？还不是你至亲至爱的家人。

当你觉得已失去活着的勇气时，想一想：做孩子的你，舍得让为你付出一生的父母掉一辈子的眼泪吗？如果你已为人母，又怎么舍得让孩子过着不懂何谓母爱的日子呢？

死亡比活着还可怕。

创意无限

鬼灵精 - 这就是对我家小孩最贴切的称呼。“惊喜”是家常便饭，“破坏”成了理所当然。

1。护唇油啊，护唇油，你何时成了作画的最佳工具？？我可怜的墙壁......（更可怜我自己）
2。怎么裤子也能当裙穿？小鬼！还在那里咯咯笑！
3。哇！“纹身”也该“纹”好一点嘛！怎么来个Ah Beng妆？简直是体无完肤。
4。我的答案卷！！！尽然一张张被撕出来铺地板。Baby，我们不需要地毯。
5。叮叮当，叮叮当...小心我的碗盘！它们不是乐器！
6。Elmo的眼睛很可爱，POP! Elmo的眼睛掉出来了。
7。小水盆呢？唉哟，那不是凳子，不可以用来垫脚，小心摔死！

总之例子不胜枚举，希望我不会突然发现马桶变成了洗脸盆！

Potty Training - Final Installment

4 months after we last embarked on this journey to diaper-freedom, I can finally say that my Dear Baby En, you are truly ready, and your progress is spectacular!!

Today, my Dear Baby, you actually woke up from your nap to tell me that you needed to pee. That's as good as telling Mummy, "Mummy, Baby is a big girl now. You can sleep more peacefully."

Though, you'd been accident-free for the past 2 months or so, and we no longer put the mat that made you sweaty and hot underneath when you went to bed, even at night, it was this moment, no it wasn't because we limited your fluid intact, no it wasn't because we woke u up in the middle of the night (did you notice Mummy hadn't been waking you up for more than a month??), it was because En En was aware of your own bladder activities!

My little Baby, you are great!

"Vacation"

"There is a place I want to be,
away from it all
Just me - alone.
Where would it be?
Where could it be?
Never in this world
can it be found.
For I searched,
for I longed,
and then it came,
The Peace and Tranquility
from Within......"

~29 July, 3pm - Sentosa Siloso Beach Resort

Checked in at the Reception. It was small, unlike the regular Hotel Lobby that you'll expect. Nonetheless, the whole concept was rather unique. It was housed in an individual building, sort of like a modern log house.

Got our keys and proceeded to our room - Roof-top Jacuzzi Suite. Along the way, we walked past some trees which had been left intact during the hotel's construction, fused into the resort's decor. Made the area felt like a huge tree house.

Best part of it was of cos the suite. It wasn't really big, but it was nonetheless inviting. Especially, the Jacuzzi area. Going up a flight of steps, you'd reach your own private garden with loungers and jacuzzi filled with warm water. Top it off, there's the sea view.

Great place for honey-mooners and couples, though it served us well, with our little gal, as she enjoyed herself in the jacuzzi.

Thought it could do more to our relationship. However, didn't do much. Guess if you go in a loving mood, things will just flow. Not the other way round......

The thread between Sanity & Madness

I do not know if the phase will ever pass, or am I the only one suffering??? The persistent tantrums, defiance, day and night, weeks and months, never-ending. Can't calm, can't solve, no help, no escape. The need to fight to keep cool, it's tearing me DOWN! No one understands, none cares. Everyone can just bail and run, everyone except ME!!

WHY??!! Cos she only comes to mummy, cos she says she doesn't want others??? Ever wonder WHY?? Cos only mummy will sleep with her, only mummy this, mummy that.. THAT IS WHY!!! And it becomes an EXCUSE, because she only wants MUMMY!!!!!!

Does it matter or does it occur to anyone, that this thread, this very thin and invisible thread might snap one day?? Then what happens?? Blame it on lousy Mummy, the one who couldn't take the stress, the one who couldn't handle it all. She has herself to blame right, she chose the path, didn't she??! When dear baby gets hurt?? What then?? Regret?? More blame??? Finger-pointing??

Great chance right, for those who'd been invisible when baby was in Mummy's tummy, for those who said, "She pooed" when she was wearing diaper and expected that someone else cleansed her up, for those who wanted baby so badly, but always called when she started crying for Mummy, for those who just wanted to own her. Yes, take her away! That's if MAD Mummy hadn't decide to take her along, because she needs Mummy right. Because, it's always Mummy this, Mummy that right. So, who else can take care of her besides Mummy?? So Mummy must bring her along, even though Mummy really doesn't want to. But Mummy must if Mummy goes......

My thoughts are getting incoherent, my anger and anguish inextinguishable. Please! If there's a God out there, keep me sane, for my Baby's sake. Keep me SANE......

The Potter Race (a.k.a. Chase)

How to ensure you get to read the last sequel to Harry Potter (and the Deathly Hallows)hot of the shelf, without having to fork out a fortune for it (keep these tips in mind when the next HOT book launches)?

1. Hack NLB's system (Joking lah!!). Check with the library when they're going to launch it. 2 ways: send email to their helpdesk or use NLB's mobile Reference help via SMS (need the number???? Of cos, I have it. Haha). In this case, they put the books on the shelves exactly on 1st day of sale.

2. Find 'accomplices'. Work with someone who's just as interested to get hold of the book. Raid different libraries and borrow additional copies. As solo libraries (not attached to shopping malls) open earlier, my accomplice managed to get hold of an extra for me (double Haha).

3. Place an online reservation. Was informed by NLB that online reservation started earlier than library opening hrs (supposed to be around 9am, 21 July. I was online then waiting for the TIME. Managed to be 1st in line, though reservation started somewhat later).

Despite confirmation I got the book, I still rushed to my neighbouring library hoping to get the book immediately (so I didn't have to wait till I'm able to retrieve the book from 'accomplice'). Wah, so many people were already waiting outside for the library to open. When we rushed in, NO books at all. A check with the librarian showed that all copies were under reservation. I still have to wait till I receive my reservation slip before I can borrow my copy. Was kind of pissed, as the info relaid to me was that priority will be given to people who went onsite to borrow (see! U can't always trust everything that were told, even if they were from official sources).

Did someone said "KIASU"?? So what?? Kiasuism saves the day, Man!!!

Anyway, got my copy on the next evening. Finished in 2 1/2 days. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fate has it's way......

This day 7 yrs ago. It wasn't entirely by fate that we met (as it was an arranged occasion by our mutual friend - his army days buddy, my soon-to-be ex-colleague then). However, I would say that the circumstances that led to this meeting was somewhat an act of fate.

B joined my department just a couple of weeks before K & I were being introduced. Somehow, I clicked very well with him, as I totally couldn't tolerate my fellow trainer. Was kind of relieved that someone better had joined us, someone who would not have needed the Big Boss staring at his desk ordering him to clear up by X hrs, someone who would not jump to me XXX no. of times saying he lost his material, someone who would not take the material I spent loads of time preparing and simply zapped it while I wasn't around, making it his own....... Anyway, this was short lived, as B tendered his resignation soon after.

Every cloud has a silver lining, as I heard some saying. Perhaps the impending departure set his panic button ringing, how could he have let this really nice girl, such a good catch, slip by and not introduce her to his buddies??!!! Of course, he must do something! So an outing was proposed: my female colleague and I would meet 2 of his friends at a pub on Fri night. Then, WE met. It wasn't like there were sparks flying, when 4 eyes met etc (Yucks!! So 肉麻). Didn't even take his vehicle home as he was riding a bike and he didn't have the confidence to send a girl home (come on! I'd been on a bike even before I can ride a bicycle). So, I took his friend's car.

Following that, there was a movie outing on following week and we got together that very Sat, on our 3rd outing (within a span of 8 days). 很闪电hoh! As experience had taught me, it's not the number of years u had known someone that counts.

And so, I will have to admit, FATE has it's way of bringing people together (else Y would I have gotten to know B at that particular period, when he was about to leave the company, yet came over to my dept for that short time-frame). Shouldn't I learn to treasure this relationship more and apply more tolerance? Mr K, u should count yourself SOOOO LUCKY (不知道积了几世的德)to be able to find me loh!!!! (臭美？No no, 是很美。哈哈哈哈)

忍耐。极限。挑战

一个星期下来，感觉自己快疯掉了。

情感方面不太顺心，孩子又不合作，加上失眠、令人心痛的梦，琐琐碎碎的事情等，
==========================================
这是一篇我不知道要怎么写下去的日记，可是我还是决定让它留下，作为我人生的纪录。

累

这是一种由内至外，被掏空、掏尽的累。整个人轻飘飘的，很松很松，连原先的愤怒、激动等情绪都感觉不到。
是认命？放弃？对现实的妥协？还是纯粹只是累了？
当能做的都做了，能讲得都讲了，能忍的都忍了，能改的都改了，还是无法达到被谅解的共识，愿分担的同舟共济，由心而发的体恤，一切好似归于零。
是眼睛看不见？耳朵听不到？心灵无法敞开？固有的偏见作祟？有些事实是无法改变的，为何要一意孤行，一再给予机会，盼某些人、事、物会奇迹般在一夜间骤变，摒弃固步自封、自我，甚至于自私的习性？为难了身边最亲近的人。
有时真想能够把双手完完全全放开，人家爱怎么样就怎没样。就让他们把孩子带走吧，眼不看为静。可是一想到让出来的是我的心肝宝贝，十月怀胎，辛辛苦苦拉巴大的孩子，就舍不得让她出去被糟蹋。这是我用尽生命去付出、捍卫的孩子，是我的一切。
好累................

Fur Fur's 5th Birthday

Today is Fur Fur's 5th birthday!

I clearly remember 5 yrs ago, on the day 4 Oct 2002, Fur Fur became part of the family. From than on, everyone who's close enough knows that I have a daughter named Fur. Today, she has become my Elder daughter, for I taught my little one that she is Fur Fur che che, her Elder sister, someone she should love and treat as family......

3 Oct 2002, K and I finally decided to get a dog, though I'd always been against having a dog, 'cause I was very frighten of the species (and all other small animals like cats, hamsters etc). Nonetheless, since K mentioned he'd always wanted one and I didn't really hate them (just scared of them), so we went shopping for one at Farmart. To our disappointment, there were few available but the owner said that there would be fresh batch coming in that night and they'd be available the next day.

Came 4 Oct morning, like any kiasu Singaporean, we rushed down again and sure enough, there were many puppies. One had already been bought, this cute little Jack Russell. Turned out to be Fur's brother, slimmer and quieter. If we had been earlier, I would probably have a son and a daughter now (it's much easier to have a boy, as female dogs menstruate too u know). As fate would have it, we were a tad too late (nothing to be sorry about)......

Browsing the cute arrivals behind the glass window, there were Chihuahuas, Prince Charles Cavalier, Shitze...... ONE caught our eyes, a Plump, Cute little ball of Fur, with the most striking coat of brown and Superb whiteness that truly shines. However, there was just one imperfection, a tiny spot of darker brown on it's head. After some consideration, we asked the owner for a look at it (since K said it'd be easier to recognise her anyway). So the cute little playful one was brought to a playpen behind. Wow! She was so lovable, jumping and barking (those very puppish kind) at us (well, I was kind of afraid that she might bit my hand) and there was no turning back from then on. Bonus was, the mark on her head turned out to be just a water mark (we found out after we reached home).

Boy, that was the beginning of sleepless nights (well, u think that only comes with babies right), when dad and I had to sleep with her in the living room so that she could see us from her playpen. It didn't solve the problem entirely, at the very least she whined and whimpered instead of barked the night through.

However, she was "promoted" pretty fast. Initially, we had her in the yard but gave up when she kept barking and trying to climb out of the fencing. Then, she got moved to the living room in her playpen. Still not satisfied, the whining, whimpering, climbing etc continued. Next, she got moved to our room in her playpen, still she whimpered. Finally, her Daddy (K) gave in and she was allowed onto our bed! Yes, she loved it. No more noise. And she'd always go under the quilt and snuggled between our legs to sleep. Really know how to enjoy life right! She slept with us this way, regardless of her never-ending fur shedding, occasional peeing on the bed etc. Till Baby En came along......

From then on, she had to sleep with Gong Gong and Ma Ma. Now, guess she's grown-up enough. She's sleeping in her own bed in the living room (initially, she'd sniffed and clawed at the door every night for people to let her in and it really pained my heart).

Fur didn't come to live with us after we moved to our own house. Though the initial plan was to bring her along. We even had the designer to create an area for her to sleep in our room while we were discussing our reno plans (I was still pregnant then). By the time we were ready to move (when Baby En was already 8 mths old), my mum vehemently refused to let us bring Fur along, as she has a persistent fur shedding problem. Mum was also afraid I couldn't handle a difficult baby and a very mischievous dog. Guessed she's probably right as my little one needed plenty of attention from me and she had sleep-related problem (till she turned 21 mths. This meant I never had a full night sleep till then) and required to be breast-fed very often. She could not have me out of her sight, not even when I needed to cook. I really feel bad, having to leave her out from my new home. I wish I'll be able to have her with me soon for I know I do not have many more years with her. Just the thought of her leaving me one day, is enough to really upset me......

There was this particular incident that I still recall clearly this day. Fur just joined our family then. K and I had already planned for a short trip overseas. As the decision to have Fur was very much one done without the family's blessing (esp. when the initial plan was to have her stay with K as he mentioned his family is receptive to having a dog, since his dad got him one before. Turned out otherwise. So, I brought Fur to my house though my dad had already mentioned he didn't want one at home), we decided to send her to a pet hotel, the one at Farmart, which was her 1st home when she arrived in Singapore. Very bad choice. When we were brought to the area where she was supposed to be kept, we knew it wasn't a good decision. The cage where Fur was to be enclosed in was among those of very huge dogs. And the area was being guarded by big, ferocious Bull dogs. This tiny little puppy was shivering as she was being put inside. I felt horrible but I couldn't expect anyone to help take care of her while I was away. So we left. It was early evening then. By the time I reached home, emotions overwhelmed me. I was sobbing buckets recalling how she looked. Dad rushed me down to the pet hotel to pick her up just before it closed for the day. She was so relieved she peed on my hands. That's my dad, 嘴硬心软。

Suddenly, I realise I have so little memories of her in recent years, days after I had Baby En, after I moved out. All I can recall were those days when I had only Fur. It stumbled upon me how little time I have for her now, which is why I have a strong sense of guilt towards her. I believe this is how a mother would have felt when they have a new child in the family, when they have to neglect the older one. Used to be clothing for Fur, toys for Fur, snacks for Fur wherever I went. Now, I hardly buy her stuff, always this for En En, that for En En, with the occasional spending on Fur.

Anyway, we celebrated Fur's birthday last evening when everyone gathered at Dad's place (except good old Dad himself, who had to work). I ordered a birthday cake specially for Fur and some great biscuits. We all sang her a birthday song, took some pictures and blew out the candles (not an easy process, as Fur kept running away and wanting to bite me when I try to catch her. Guess she was afraid that I might be bringing her to the candles). We had the cake with her and of course the two young ones loved it the most (Greedy Pigs! BTW, the food are specially catered for pet diet, as they do not contain "dangerous" ingredients like sugar, chocolate etc. But they are all HUMAN GRADE. En En loved the apple crumble biscuits though they were really hard.).

Happy Birthday Fur!!!!

生活

我的生活全围绕在孩子身上。

我想，这是我下意思这样做的吧。且先撇开这是否健康，毕竟间中的原因有很多。孩子还小，在照顾她的这段岁月里，我清楚地感受到母女之间的情感联系是很直接的--自己付出多少，就相对得回多少。像每夜陪她睡，帮她洗澡，和她说话，跟她玩耍这些琐碎的事，日积月累，孩子自然会跟你较亲，你在她心目中的地位是无人可取代的。当你得扮演“坏人”管教她时，这样的关系是非常重要的。

当然，有人会说：“那孩子不是变得很粘你？”是的，每一件事都有正反两面，孩子粘我，我的自由也被限制。站在我的立场，这何尝不是一种优势。在孩子很小的时候，我就面临要孩子断奶的压力，原因是一些人会较方便将孩子抱走。我坚持了下去，日子久了，孩子变得更亲近我，一到夜里，任谁都别想把她从我身边带走，除非能受得了她闹。哈！正中我下怀！因为有些人就是怕她闹！

会不会担心她因此而变得太依赖我？其实还好。这段日子的观察，当她在不熟悉的环境时，就需要相熟的面孔陪伴（不一定是我），而这种情况在她年龄相仿的孩群中相当普遍。我也就较放心了。

或许把心思都投注在孩子身上，也是因为没有其他人或物值得我去灌注那么多的情感吧！

“算”

这个世界上会“算”的人很多。

有一种是跟你“明算”。不管是钱债、情债、赌债、......一毛钱、一粒米、甚至可能是为了一句话，都要跟你“算”到底。这种人给人的印象无疑是斤斤计较、一毛不拔，可是他们还是可爱的。因为这些人做起事情都是明刀明枪，跟他们交涉起来，要挡要逃都没那么难。

而另一类呢，你可就要小心了。他们表面和蔼，给人容易亲近的感觉，时常面带笑容，待人有礼。这些人很可能是属于社会的中上阶级，平时在公司里八面玲珑，对待周遭的朋友更是随和、殷勤。因为客观因素的需要，他们已经练就了一套神功--笑里藏刀。别看他们事事都显得不在意，其实心里无时无刻不是在想着如何反败为胜，怎么通过“温和”的手段来提高自己的地位，如何用委美的文字掩盖自己的目的。他们不是不会“算”，而是懂得怎么“算”到你都不知道。而当你发现对方的用意时，恐怕早已被他“暗算”得体无完肤！

往往，一个人会不会“算”，用什么方式去“算”，取决于很多因素。有些生性如此，无法或不愿改变。有些本质纯朴，但是“亏”吃多了，撑饱了，不得不“学乖”，慢慢也就随波逐流，成为“算数”高手。

做人多少都要学会怎么“算”，学得越快，学费就少交点。我想，只要过程中不损人利己，那还不失为过吧！

Elmo's Colouring Book

Baby En loves Elmo. She has 2 Elmo toys at home and would ask to watch her Elmo VCD daily. Thus, we decided to bring her to watch the "live" show, Elmo's Colouring Book when I found out that it'd be playing at Downtown East.

I'd already expected that there'll be a booth selling Elmo's product there. So, the initial intention was to bring her Elmo toy along. Gosh! We forgot! That meant an extra $12.90 for her Elmo balloon (BTW, by now, the helium gas has more or less decided to float elsewhere. I'm forecasting that it'll be fully deflated in another week's time).

For the first half of the show, we simply couldn't excite her. She just sat there like a block of wood. Hmmmm, very unlike her usual self. What went wrong??? With Elmo and friends from Sesame Street singing and dancing away!! Finally, we pulled through till intermission.

Then, we went to buy some snacks as it had past her tea break. Hah!!! We found the answer! No energy lah!

For the entire 2nd half, she was back to her bubbly self, dancing away with the characters and asking Daddy to bring her to the front when the puppets came down from the stage. Boy, I guess Daddy must be thinking we should just starve her! Haha.

Now, she has been asking us to bring her to the Elmo show quite often. Baby, we'll go again when the show returns......

For The Safety of My Child

The safety of one's child is of utmost importance to a mother.

However, many people do not think likewise. Does the inconvenience of using your own vehicle surpasses that of a child's safety? Or even just taking the public transportation? For many, the answer is "Yes". It greatly saddens me to think that these people can be your nearest of kins, those that professes they love your baby - grandparents, uncles/aunts and even daddies!

Minor incidences don't seem to be able to knock senses into them, nor the true tragedies that we so often hear about. Is it that Singaporeans generally have a false sense of security? Or can it be simply because it's not their children? Are we waiting for something tragic to happen before we awaken from our stupidity??? By then, I'm afraid it's too late. Not every lesson needs to be learnt through self experiencing it.

As a mother, I feel a strong sense of failure when I'm unable to safeguard my child's welfare - in this case, we're talking about something as precious as a young life, when nobody seems to understand and I'm fighting a lonely battle. The next time, I promise, no matter how ugly the scene might become, I'll take a cab myself, under the uncompromisable condition that my baby gets strapped in her car seat for the entire journey.

I'm hoping with all my heart that someone or organisation out there can start a nationwide campaign to educate all on the importance of using the car seat.

Strapping your child in the car seat isn't just a Traffic Police's propaganda.

It concerns the life and death of your child!

~desperate Mommy

Ballet - 4th lesson

Unmistakably, the teacher requested for the parents to leave the class (See! I wasn't hard of hearing!). This time round, most of them did leave. So, I started to move.... THEN, teacher said, "No, no! You're SPECIAL! You cannot go, as she was scared last week."

Ha! So I stayed behind with 2 other parents (who persisted on being around after teacher's request). Hmmmm, should be fine today, since Mummy's with her.

Unfortunately, one of the girls wanted to visit the loo and her mum wasn't around. Thus, I volunteered to bring her there, as it's not easy to remove the dance apparel on her own (since no one else signaled they wanted to help). I explained to Baby En that Mummy will be back soon and leave.

When I returned, first thing I heard was, "She can't last a moment without Mum". Sigh......

To help or not to help????

宝宝念唐诗

小孩子的学习能力真的超强！

最近，我们给小宝贝买了一本幼儿唐诗鉴赏集。如常的，这喜新厌旧的小家伙天天都要爸爸、妈妈陪她读这本书。

有一天，当我在朗读《静夜思》时，小宝贝突然也跟着念。仔细听，还真不赖！接着，我便尝试朗读其他诗篇，谁知她的《春晓》更是厉害！

想不想瞧一瞧？记得要开扩音器哟！




只要能激起他们的兴趣，孩子们学起东西还真快！

遗憾

夜深人静，浏览着某朋友的部落格。读着她为即将回到社会工作的心情点滴，心中突然一阵抽痛。

是啊！为了种种原因，我实在是亏欠父母太多了。扮演好妈妈角色的同时，我却忽略了为人子女所该尽的本分与责任，这是我心里深处埋藏着永远无法抹灭的遗憾。

想到这里，情绪渐渐失控。眼泪不住地流，往事不断出现在脑海里......

大学毕业之后，人生面临无数次的挫折：情感、事业、金钱......自尊心一次又一次地受到打击。人前，我是坚强的。这道外墙的背后，隐藏着一颗极度脆弱的心。对外展示得越是强悍，内心越是不堪一击，一切都是自尊心作祟，不愿让他人看到跌倒了的我，即使是身边最信赖的朋友。

最沉痛的打击发生在我刚过24岁生日不久。整个人在一个月里爆瘦下来。吃不下饭，睡不着，成天躲在房里哭。身边的每样东西都有他的影子。接下来的日子更是难过，失去了工作，夜校课程正上到一半。从来鲜少泡夜店的我，一个星期最少泡上三、四天，而且一定等到打烊才离开。目的只有一个：用酒精麻醉自己。
这段期间，最难受的应该是妈妈。看着我哭，她也陪我一起哭。连情感表达较内敛的爸爸，也忍不住陪在我身边开导我。我知道他们怕我会想不开做傻事。

我是一个不受教的人。自己的主观意见很强烈，不怎么愿意听人劝，所以常会“撞墙壁”。结果往往得破财消灾。一次又一次的“学费”，除了父母，还会有谁帮我清还？这笔数目累积起来绝对不小。可是现在的我能拿什么去还？甚至连最基本的家用都没办法给。最可笑的是在等待房子那段期间，一家三口跟他们住，不仅吃他们的，用他们的，连一毛钱都没给他们！怀孕期间，也是妈妈自掏腰包帮我进补。他们虽从来没有任何怨言，可是我的心里真的很内疚。当一个人在经济上不能独立时，很多东西他都做不了主。

知道自己有时真的很不应该，由于脾气不太好，对妈妈表现得很不耐烦，说话的口气经常不太礼貌。事后想想，那些对你不好的人，你反而会尝试忍气吞声，为自己付出那么多的妈妈，为什么这样去伤她的心？真的很take things for-granted.

我的父母真的是这个世界上最好，最好的。有一天，当我自己有那个能力，一定会给你们世界上最好，最好的！

The Road to Independence

"En, En want to feed own self", "En, En take. En, En take...", "En, En brush. Don't want Daddy brush" yak ka yak, yak ka yak......

Guess she's exerting her independence now, my Baby who used to rely on Mommy for everything. But......
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"Teacher said that Mommy cannot stay with you in the class. So you have to behave yourself and follow what the teacher does, ok?" This conversation had been going on for the past week, prior to her 3rd Ballet lesson. All seems well, as she kept repeating the content herself.

On the actual day, after Teacher issued the invitation for parents to go, I repeated the request to Baby En and she was fine. So, I decided to make a move, stealing peeks at her on the way out to see that she's comfortable with me leaving. Though, it was kind of surprising that none of the parents who were in the room left (many of the kids were much older, about 5 - 6 yr old). Nonetheless, I left with the intention of coming back in half hr to give a check.

I was sitting in MacDonald's just beside the Dance Studio, when I saw a familiar image - My Baby En crying in the arms of another parent. On no! The kind lady told me that she had been clinging on to the teacher and crying. I consoled her, brought her back to class and reassured her that Mommy will not leave again. By then, the experience must have been too traumatic for her as she kept asking to go home, saying that she didn't want to dance anymore and she didn't like the teacher (Erm, I think part of the reason was because she saw my orange juice and fries. The Greedy Pig!). After some coaxing, she joined the class again and got relaxed enough to join in some of the activities.

After class, we went to apologise to the teacher for disrupting the class. Then she said, "She's too young to be left alone in class, though she was brave for a while :)." That got me scratching my head. Were you not the one who requested for parents to leave, or had I somehow misunderstood your message? Geez, anyway Baby, Mommy will be with you for the rest of the lessons. Muuuuuuaaaccchhhh!
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8 days away from school. Oh boy, that's a long period (after the long weekend followed by another 4 days of stomach flu and fever)!

Baby En seemed all ready and happy to go back to her friends. She was quick to go with the teacher and waved bye bye to Mommy. Teacher commended her for being able to adjust really well, unlike her fellow classmate, who would cry everyday when her mommy brought her in after the long weekend break.

At the end of the day when I picked her up, she did have a great time.

I guess what accounted for the difference in behaviour was the TRUST that she had for the people whom she was being entrusted to. Baby En had been with the childcare centre for 6 mths. She had settled in comfortably by now and had developed a trusting relationship with her teachers and peers. Whereas, Ballet Class is still a "strange" place to her.

Mommy will be more sensitive to your emotional needs, dear Baby.

请叫我“全职妈妈”

“家庭主妇”给人的印象总是成天在家里煮饭、打扫，上菜市场爱杀价，学历低，懒得打扮自己的auntie。虽然蛮抗拒自己被套上这四个字，可是更不屑于被称为taitai。

Taitai不就是那些一天到晚打扮得漂漂亮亮，即使在家也得全身珠光宝气，家中有无数佣人供使唤，“工作”范围除了泡spa，上美容院，做头发等，就是逛名牌店“血拚”，以提高自己的身份和“气质”。

对不起，这份“殊荣”我实在受不起。首先，我实在没有这种闲情逸致到这类高档场所去。更重要的是“资金”来源有限，没办法如此大手笔地去促进我国的经济发展。

我想，“全职妈妈”才是最适合我的称呼吧！因为我的“工作”就是好好哺育小恩恩，让她快快乐乐，健健康康地成长。我不愿在孩子的成长过程中，当一位“隐形”妈妈，更不希望孩子的价值观受到他人影响或左右。

每一个选择，必定有所要付出的代价。最终，一切到底值不值得，就看你对人生的定义是什么。

Dedicated to Baby Kaleb - Pass it on

The video attached speaks the sad story of a baby boy who's but 6 mths old.

Whether you are parents to young children, child-minders or just anybody concern about child abuse, do take some time to view it and pass it on.

Sometimes we do things in a fit of anger, please bear in mind that the consequences can be severe and irreparable.

Pray for baby Kaleb.

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This is definitely not the 1st case. Let's try to make it the last.

I Love my "Job"

On and off, I get the feeling of frustrations from taking care of Baby En. For SAHM, it's like a 24/7 job. And when I get the occasional "off", it's actual work-time. So, there isn't much of private time to speak about.

Sometimes, you feel like you'll like to laze around and watch the 8.30pm programme on TV but it's her bedtime. As always, Mummy is the one who has to put her to bed. Well, if she guai guai goes to bed, then it's not too bad. However, when she's up to some mischief again, you really have to fight the urge to "strangle" her.

Just like any other job, you get your good days and bad days. It can be a breeze if she behaves well (that's when you know the tonnes of effort you put in at instilling discipline is working). And just when you're happily praising yourself at the results, the little monster decides to unleash itself and wreak havoc (perhaps after a day away from the "clutches" of Tyrant Mummy). That's when it really gets on your nerves, for what took you months to inculcate, comes to nought overnight and the cycle repeats itself. Sigh......

Putting aside the frustrations, being a full-time Mummy is the most rewarding career that I'd have so far. It has taught me to be much more patient and it's a job I can never, ever quit. Hey, that requires quite an amount of determination and perseverance ok!

Come on, look at it this way. Some mummies will be so green with envy that I can have my baby by my side, smelling her sweetness and busking in her kisses every night (not to mention listening to her saying "I love Mummy" over and over). When she wakes up occasionally at night now (ya, I know it's a disruption to your PRECIOUS sleep-time), the first person she calls out for is Mummy. It goes to show Mummy is a really important person to her (Ha, I hear someone saying losing sleep is nothing worth raving about. Sour grapes!). Moreover, soon enough, you'll find that she might not want you with her in her bed anymore. Thus, it's definitely worth treasuring it when she still loves your company.

Motherhood is GREAT!!!! (Only downside is $$$$$$ not enough)

Writing

Only recently do I discover that writing is one of my passion. Not that it didn't occur to me before but rather there wasn't any motivation for me to write.

I'm not the sort of writer who's able to profess my thoughts through flowery languages, or one that has an abundance of imagination. Writing is but one avenue for me to vent my frustration, air my thoughts and to record down memories of Baby En's growing up days.

Prior to starting my own blog, I had this habit of picking up any scrap pieces of papers to scribble on whenever my emotions got triggered big time and I have no where to vent them. These writings usually got missing/ disposed etc. after the incidents. But the bad feeling lingered, for I felt I was the only one bearing all these, with no one to turn to. Now, with my own blog, somehow it feels better, for somewhere out there, be it someone I know or just any strangers who chanced upon my pages, at least there's someone "listening". Quirky you may think. "Why does anyone want to 'air their dirty linen in public'? "some may ask. To me, it's like having someone there to share your problems with, without having to force it upon them to listen if they don't want to (like if I were to call up people).

Strangely, I slowly develop feelings of self-worthiness, knowing what I'm writing does touches others' life in one way or another. By chance, it has also created opportunities for me, for e.g. being selected as one of the Mommy Bloggers for Channel 8's programme - Superkids. I finally have some budget whereby I can dispose freely for the enrichment of Baby En (Do visit http://ch8.mediacorptv.com/superkids/mommyblogger.php to find out more.).

It has also opened my eyes to other non-conventional ways of earning some extra cash, with whatever spare time that I can afford, right from home, like contributing articles to some website. So far, I had 4 original articles posted on (http://www.helium.com/), mainly on issues which I'm interested in. Feel free to drop by and have a look:-

1. My personal take on marital life - http://www.helium.com/tm/376643/signifies-fresh-beginning-union

2. Tips on Potty Training - http://www.helium.com/tm/334123/sharing-things-picked-potty

3. Crocheting Tips (this is the article that's currently earning me $$$) - http://www.helium.com/tm/335782/learn-crocheting-interesting-economical

4. Motherhood - http://www.helium.com/tm/381068/feeling-frustrations-taking-occasiona

I'm hoping this new-found passion can really take me somewhere. Keeping my fingers crossed......