So this is it?

Yesterday was the last day of June Holidays, it may also mark the end of my breastfeeding days.

The doctor finally decided to put me on a course of anti-biotics and steroid as my body is not responding to the regular medication. Thus, I would not be able to breastfeed boy till 1 week after I stopped taking the steroid.

I was intending to take out my pump, in case my breasts get engorged. Last evening, sometime after taking my first dose, I felt a strong letdown sensation and thought that I might need to express. However, feeling my breasts, they weren't hard/ full at all. This morning, I realised my breasts had shrunk significantly overnight, so much that they could actually fit comfortably into my pre-pregnancy bra. Did my milk glands "died" overnight?

Although my initial intention was to stop breastfeeding after boy turned 1, and I'd switched him to partial formula since he turned 10 mths, when the time finally arrives, I still feel a tinge of lost and sadness.

Just now, as he saw me pulling up my shirt, he wanted me to breastfeed him and cried when I refused (kept tugging and pulling my shirt up). Sorry, my darling boy. Mommy would have fed you if I could. Mommy's milk will be doing you more harm than good now. Meanwhile, as we go through this transitional phase, pray that we may all recover from our illness soon.

(Our last breastfeeding session - 27 June 2010, Sun morning)